How Are you Feeling, Jane?

Facebook asks “How are you feeling, Jane” … the question I have… is does anyone actually want to know?  Or does everyone just want to hear that things are doing ok, I’m healing, kids are healing and life is moving on….?   Christmas is my favourite time of year, but in 4 days he will have been gone for 6 months and that is just WRONG…

So while Christmas is my favourite time of year.. it’s also the saddest and the most painful.

I had an awesome night last night… got home, spent some time with family that I love and miss terribly, then went shopping for final Christmas stuff.

At one point… Kathy says to me something along the lines of … You’re falling down… I was getting lost in the sadness, the pain of what is NOT THERE.

I came home, sad, frustrated, missing him and wanting my life back.

My daughter was waiting for me – I had told her that I wanted her home to do Christmas photos.  When looking for pictures of Mark, I couldn’t find very many of her with her Dad… so I wanted to make sure that she and I got lots of us taken.

Katie & Me

 

So how am I feeling?   Like I have a split personality.

Happy, it’s Christmas.   It’s my favourite time of year.  Lights are up and twinkly.  It’s snowing and promises to be a white Christmas. I get to give gifts to my favourite people.

Sad, grieving, lonely.   It’s Christmas.  It’s wrong on so many levels that I’m doing this without Mark.  I look at a picture of him and I can almost feel him here with me.   Last night, as I was heading out, in the corner of my eye, I saw him.  I feel like I’m going to cry at any moment, but I feel stuck again.

It’s been 6 months.  Is it ok to cry?  Is it ok to be sad?  I feel like I should be keeping up appearances and putting on a smiley face and just coasting through.

How am I feeling? I don’t know.  I can’t feel… I hurt.  I’m happy.  It’s all jumbled up inside me creating a knot of pain and ripping me apart.  I feel like someone’s got ahold of my emotions and slowly stretching them in all different directions until it’s a piece taffy ripping too far and the strings just…. snap.

I haven’t reached the … snap… just feeling stretched too thin…

Remember that blog post I made about cutting?   The feeling of wanting to focus the pain…. I won’t.  It won’t happen… it’s there though… a lot of the time, it’s there…

I don’t know how to soothe the pain…

But I’m still smiling… my kids are worth smiling over…

IMGP5737

I’d really like to get drunk though.  I just don’t have the energy… *sigh*

Happy Eve of Christmas Eve Eve….

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3 thoughts on “How Are you Feeling, Jane?

  1. [...] being asked how she was feeling became a virtual trigger – one that led to a heart-wrenching blog response in which her grief is [...]

  2. VanillaP says:

    I just read the Facebook Freud article, and it led me to your blog post. You have a beautiful family.If there was a way to send a virtual hug on the internet, then it was just sent. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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