Drowing…

I’m drowning.

I saw this post on FB:

Drowning

 

And it’s so true.

There’s this wordless scream going through my head… “HELP ME… MAKE IT STOP”

But no one can hear.

Even when someone says “are you all right? Do you need something”  The “I’m fine” comes out of my mouth faster than I can think to answer honestly.

Although it IS sort of honest.

F(ucked up)
I(nsecure)
N(eurotic)
E(motional)

Totally fine.

I’ve been fine since the day he got sick.  I got even more fine when he died.   And then fine hit it’s *finest* moments when I changed my life entirely.

Yep.

I’m fine.

Except I’m drowning.   And no one knows it.

And somehow I have to communicate that to my doctor, my counsellor and the psychiatrist that I’m going to see next week.

Somehow I need to communicate effectively how much I AM drowning and how much I desperately want to breathe again.  How much I want to feel GOOD again.

Without being flippant.  Without brushing it off.

Without just saying “I’m fine”

Because I’m not fine.  I’m not ok.

I want to be though.  I really, really want to be.

Grief Is Like the Ocean

About these ads

4 thoughts on “Drowing…

  1. Tara says:

    Hang in there. It will get better because you strive for it. Don’t give up.

  2. Sara says:

    I lost my oldest and best friend, the love of my life Monday the 17th. I just keep hoping I’m having a nightmare and soon I will awake from this hell I’ve been going through for 6 days.
    Cancer is evil and mean. It was like a demon had gotten inside my husband and 37 days after he was diagnosed he was gone!! And here Iam lost and alone!
    Going insane!!!

    • Tara says:

      Sara, I’m so sorry to hear that…and I understand, truly.
      Having my sister nearby helped me like nothing else could because I was a basket case, literally. I hope you have someone close to you who can help you through each day.

  3. sunnyjane says:

    Sara… (((HUGS))) it’s horrible and awful and horrific in ways that no one who hasn’t gone through it can understand. Do you have anyone with you?

    If not – check out sslf.org and campwidow.org and thewiddahood.com Good resources.

    Peace & Love and hoping for softer days…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s