Am I Lonely?

Yes and no.  A lot of the time, yes.  But right now?  I’m bored.

There’s SO much I can be doing.

Homework. Working out.  Crafting. Decluttering. Meditation.  Magick. Piano.

And I’m not.

All I can think of is… I don’t know WHAT I want to do.  I will do the homework again – might go for a 10 min walk on my treadmill first. But I am almost overloaded with homework and having problems focusing.

Crafting – several items I could craft.  I have a couple quilts on the go.  I have a robe to finish.  I have curtains to do. I have a crochet blanket to work on. I have a number of WIP’s.   But usually I do those while watching TV and there’s nothing interesting on TV right now.

Decluttering… that will take me either the rest of the night or will take 15 mins.  There is no in between.

Piano… I don’t know what’s holding me back. I love my piano.  I don’t play as much as I used to. (read – not at all lately)

But really – it doesn’t matter what I do… there’s no one to talk to.

I’m not lonely. I’m just bored with my own company.

This must be the first step in learning to like living alone. Maybe?

At any rate – widowing is hard.  It used to be painful – now it’s just hard.

Depend on Yourself

Good, Bad, Ugly

How do I express the way the last 2 weeks have made me feel?

I got all heart stupid with the Metalhead Poet (he’s not MY Metalhead Poet, and he doesn’t want to be).

I got all triggered and shit over school.  To the point where I question whether or not I should continue the program.

How can I be a nurse if I can’t even get through the course without it throwing me into grief triggers?

I was bawling in the counsellors office.  I have moments where I am absolutely positive this is the path I want to take.

And then I’m shaken by something.  Or I hear something about my summer job.  And I’m devastated that I won’t be there this summer.

I didn’t know how HARD this would all be. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to just breeze through it.

How could I have thought I would?   We’re talking about DEATH.  And HEALTH. And HEART conditions.  And fuck me really? Grief and death on day 1?

How could I have thought it wouldn’t trigger me all over the fucking place?

Oh wait. I just thought I’d grieved enough.  I just thought I’d gone through enough.

If I quit, I lose funding.  Do you know how much THAT sucks?  I lose the opportunity to go to school. I lose the opportunity to do good.  To do different.  To have a life that will make a difference in my kids’ lives, for other people.

And so tonight… I am alone. I am lonely.  I am drinking wine.  And time is slipping past me as I walk through the pain and emotions.  I am not studying for mid-term 1 tonight.  I should be.  But I’m hurting.  And I’m not studying.

And I’m fucking ANGRY that he died on me.  ANGRY that I’m left alone.  ANGRY that the man I love doesn’t love me enough to say FUCK YEAH! Lets DO this!  And I’m ANGRY about it all.

I need to get back to a place of “ok with just me” because I know that when I am in that place… I am good. I am at peace.  I am happy.

I want to be happy again.  I want to enjoy things in my life. I’m tired of being angry all the time.

Because I don’t fucking appreciate this:

Stages-of-Grief

Shit, really?

In my LPN program, we take  a course called “Variations in Health”

We get each weeks schedule, with readings attached.

So being the good little student… I want to see what the learning outcomes are and get my readings done for tomorrow.

This is part of tomorrow’s class:

  • Consider the following:
  • What are your experiences with stress? How did you cope?
  • What is your personal experience with pain? How did this impact you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and culturally?
  • Develop 2 questions for class discussion related to the stages of grieving and loss
  • Reflect on a loss you have experienced – it may be a loss of a pet, job, relationship, or the death of a friend or family member. How did it affect you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and culturally?
  • Define the following terms:
  • general adaptation syndrome (GAS)
  • stress
  • coping
  • emotion-focused coping
  • problem-focused coping
  • bereavement
  • grief
  • mourning
  • imagery

 

In Class:

  • Participate in class discussions and group activities to assist you in achieving the learning objectives for this class. You will demonstrate, discuss and examine unit learning objectives and relate to course outcomes including nursing management, client diversity, interprofessional practice and the LPN role.

 

Post Class Reflection:

  • What further information do I need to facilitate my understanding of the general adaptation syndrome (GAS)?
  • What is my understanding of the effects of grieving and loss on the healing process?

Shit, really?

Grief and grieving in the first class?

Mother effer.

I get it.  LPN’s deal with that a lot.  But shit, really?

Grief Is Like the Ocean

Changes… and more changes

School starts tomorrow.

I don’t know why that thought is just so…. unreal? surreal? to me.

I am starting school tomorrow for the LPN program.

I have given up my summer job.

I am going to be responsible, to a degree, for other people’s well being while they’re in my care.

But in the meantime… I’m in school starting tomorrow.

My brain can’t quite process that.

I have no cheerleader – my boys aren’t there yet.  Maybe they’re proud of their mom? I don’t know. I know my daughter and older boy are, but they have their own lives and aren’t as involved in mine.

So I’m doing this… just for me.

The whole markandjane thing is gone.  Forever.  And  my Metalhead Poet is not in my corner at this time… so I’m… just alone… in doing this.

I’m going to do it.  It’ll be done.  I’ll be an amazing nurse.

If I can get through the first 3 months.

I’m going to miss my summer job.  But my life is going to change in ways I don’t yet fathom.

I wish I had my cheerleader.  My rock.  My support.

PhoenixRising

2015… wait… 2016… and peace…

I didn’t do my usual end of year post.

Reflection on what was, and hopes for what will be.

I am in a different place than I ever have been.  It’s odd, really.

I am practicing “non-attachment” in my life.

I am not attached to the outcome.

I am not attached to a certain path.

I am not attached to a future that only truly exists in my mind.

I am practicing this on a daily basis.

I invite people to share my time… and I am not attached to the answer.  I would be happy if the answer is yes, and understanding if it is no but not attached to the answer.

I refuse to agonize, to dramatize, to create pain for myself.

Do I miss my husband?  yes.  INCREDIBLY.  I miss him with every fibre of my being.

Do I miss my Metalhead Poet?  yes.  I miss him with every fibre of my being.

Do I spend a lot of time agonizing over what was, what could have been, what might be, what might not be?  Fuck NO.  It’s done me NO good over the past 4 years.  (hell, ever)

This hasn’t been an easy place to get to.  It’s easy to say… just let go of the outcome.  Just let go of the attachment.  But it’s fucking HARD.

I am a control freak.  (yep, I said it out loud).  I am that person who can organize the shit out of any situation and have everything “just so” and make sure all the i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed.

If you are moving, I will find you a place, have your utilities hooked up, your stuff packed and all mail/correspondence addresses changed months before you actually move.

I am the person you want in a crisis.  I will be there to hold your hand. I will manage things, I will take notes, I will advocate the hell out of everything.

I plan my life like a master chess player.  I look for every nuance, every possible outcome, every path before choosing one.  And when one path closes, I move to the next path.  When plan A fails, I move to plan B.   There’s 26 letters of the alphabet to work with.   My doctor, 2 1/2 years ago (or more, I don’t remember exactly when) told me that if I’m always living life as if there’s a game going on – then I’m seeing things in terms of winner vs loser.   IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO UNDERSTAND THAT.

Seriously.

If I’m always looking at things as if they are a chess match, planning my next move, then the people around me?  They will suffer.

I was with someone a few weeks ago… having some fun sexxy time… and he said to me… just relax… enjoy the moment… and for the first time… I did.

I just relaxed.  I enjoyed the moment for what it was.  I wasn’t focussed on the ending, the outcome, the next step.  I was just focused on him and how I was feeling with him at that moment.

It was amazing.

I started to put that into practice in other parts of my life.  This was… 3? weeks ago? ish.  And I have been mostly successful. Focusing on the moment.  Focusing on the now.  Enjoying what IS rather than what I want things to be.

It’s freed me in a lot of ways.

As a side note: there are areas in my life where this is HARD to do… where I am struggling… but most areas, I’m mostly succeeding.  Some days it takes some mental working to get to that point… but when I do get there, it’s a beautiful thing.

I’m discovering peace.  And I like it.

Peace

I Don’t Want To Die

I feel like I’ve written this post before.

How do I reach out and say to someone… I’m hurting. It’s nothing new. It’s the same pain. But I’m hurting. And all I can see is a razor blade cutting into my skin… and I know it will pass but dammit I’m glad there’s no available razor blades or box cutters nearby…

How do I express to people that despite being with ALL my children, and despite witnessing my grandson’s birth, I still want to curl up into a ball and cry until I can’t breathe?  That despite KNOWING that it will get better, I still have this part of my brain that says “nope, it won’t.  there’s no point.  no one needs you.  no one will miss you”

How do you tell that part of your brain to stfu?

How do you work through those thoughts?

I know… I know without a shadow of a doubt… that when I’m in a panick, when I’m depressed (in general, not like right now) that when I’m mad, that when I’m frustrated, I have to own the feelings.  Feel the feelings. Let the feelings wash through me and then let them go.

I get that.

But when the feelings are telling me that death is an option?  WT everloving F do I do with THAT? I’m terrified to move into them and feel them because what if I can’t get OUT of them?

I know they’ll pass.  My next blog post will be a gratitude post.

But for now… I’m sitting here and wishing I had a razor blade.  I won’t cut too deeply… just enough.  Just enough to focus the pain.

Because I don’t want to die.