But They Won’t Let Me

They won’t let me sink into depression.  They won’t let me wallow in grief.

I tried, today.  I want to – part of me does, anyhow… but they won’t let me

There’s not a specific *they* – there’s just… everyone.  The people who show up… the people who leave… the people who live here.

Tonight is the first night that there’s no one here.  There’s no one else but me to make dinner, there’s no one else but me to make sure the kitchen gets cleaned, there’s no one else but me to tend to the household.  It’s not fair to ask my kids to do it… it’s my job.  I’m mom.

Oh don’t get me wrong, the kids do their chores, or they will when I re-organize their chore charts, but it’s my job to make sure life carries on.

And so I can’t sink into grief, I can’t fall apart completely, I can’t just… hide.

But I want to.

Oh how I want to… I can’t hug him, I can’t talk to him, I can’t see him, I can’t plan my life with him… but I have 4 kids who still need me… despite how much I want to hide.

So I keep going… because they won’t let me.  And I won’t let me… for them.

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