That is the question… well, not really.
I’m one of those people who will hold it in until I explode. Around other people, by myself… I will just hold in the tears, hold in the sadness, hold it all in until it escapes in great big sobbing explosion of crying.
So I sit… around other people…. not talking… feeling the sadness come up, and I have a choice.
Do I stuff it? Do I take a deep breath and push it back down?
Or do I risk the ugliness my grief can be and let go to the tears.
The problem is, I never know if I’m going to get silent tears running down my face (to me is acceptable around other people), a short burst of sadness (sort of acceptable around other people) or the wrenching, tearing, feels like my insides are forcing their way out grief (which I’m only comfortable expressing around a very few people).
So allowing myself to cry, allowing myself to grieve, risks that the general public or whomever I with will find themselves having to deal with the raw, wrenching, painful grief rather than the gentler tears.
So I’m left with… to cry or not to cry. To risk complete vulnerability or not.