Insomnia … again…

I hate not sleeping.  Sleeping is wonderful.  I forget (unless I dream) and I don’t have to count the minutes or the hours.

But frequently… insomnia wins again.  The lack of sleep.  Being unable to lay down and rest.  Just … awake.

Almost hyper aware of everything, except that I’m numb and sad and lonely.

And I can’t sleep to escape it.

Today, I had to move some of his stuff.  That stuff will never go back there again.  It no longer lives where it did.  If he were alive, we’d find a new home for it, but it doesn’t need a new home… instead it just hangs out in the corner of my craft room, where it might have belonged, but doesn’t… and reminds me that he’s not here.

And I can’t sleep to escape that thought. Or the memory of having to move his waders.  Or the memory of the 1/2 hour of sobbing that followed.

I’m awake.

I’m going to try to be productive, but I’m awake.  I want to be sleeping. I want to sleep most of the time.  But I’m awake.  And aware.  And not willing to self-medicate to not be awake or aware… it’s not fair to me or my children.

I miss him.


One thought on “Insomnia … again…

  1. Joaquin Keup says:

    Chances are, someone you know takes a sleeping pill. One in four Americans takes a sleep aid every year, according to the National Sleep Foundation, and the numbers are even higher for women — one in three uses some sort of sleep medication a few times a week. Why do women have such trouble sleeping? The reasons are as numerous as the passel of pills on the market: anxiety, depression, chronic illness, restless legs syndrome, sleep apnea, everyday exhaustion … the list goes on and on. No wonder so many sleep aids are available.:

    My personal web-site

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