I was telling someone that I am bothered by my lack of crying.
I don’t cry unless I deliberately immerse myself in pictures & memories of Mark.
It’s not that I’m not sad. It’s not that I don’t miss him. I have a constant ache, a constant sadness, varying degrees of numbness and foggy-ness.
I don’t know what’s normal, what’s not. I know that I think I *should* be more teary. I *should* cry more.
Perhaps its lack of privacy. Perhaps it’s lack of quiet time or down time. I’m surrounded by people and children… and I don’t get much time with my thoughts.
But it’s all bound up in my belly and chest and throat… and even when it starts… if I’m not somewhere I can just let go and cry as much as I need to, I suck it back up and keep it at bay.
And it hurts. It hurts more each day.
He’s home… he’s in a place where I can walk by him every day and touch him, send him a kiss.
But it doesn’t seem to be getting easier… it seems to be getting harder.
And today hurts just a little bit more… 😦