Today Hurts Just a Bit More

I was telling someone that I am bothered by my lack of crying.

I don’t cry unless I deliberately immerse myself in pictures & memories of Mark.

It’s not that I’m not sad.  It’s not that I don’t miss him.  I have a constant ache, a constant sadness, varying degrees of numbness and foggy-ness.

I don’t know what’s normal, what’s not.  I know that I think I *should* be more teary.  I *should* cry more.

Perhaps its lack of privacy.  Perhaps it’s lack of quiet time or down time.   I’m surrounded by people and children… and I don’t get much time with my thoughts.

But it’s all bound up in my belly and chest and throat… and even when it starts… if I’m not somewhere I can just let go and cry as much as I need to, I suck it back up and keep it at bay.

And it hurts.  It hurts more each day.

He’s home… he’s in a place where I can walk by him every day and touch him, send him a kiss.

But it doesn’t seem to be getting easier… it seems to be getting harder.

And today hurts just a little bit more… 😦


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