It’s been 4 weeks exactly since he made the decision.
4 weeks ago, I had an amazing nurse with us, who did everything he could to make us comfortable.
4 weeks ago was my last night married to my husband.
4 weeks ago we had an amazing, intimate night where we got to say everything that was needed.
4 weeks ago I got to say good bye.
4 weeks ago a light went out in my life…
I’ve spent the last 4 weeks doing my best to numb out. I believed at the time that I was ok, still feeling what needed to be felt, but I was numbing out my emotions.
Alcohol doesn’t make me weepy, it makes me numb. It makes me forget, if only for a moment, a night, how broken my life is.
I almost did something the other night that I would have woke up regretting. I wanted desperately to…. and sobered up enough to realize how badly I’d feel the next day if I did.
I’ve had a couple drinks since then – but literally one drink on Friday, one on Saturday, nothing last night, not enough to numb out or stop feeling.
The result? I’m crying more. I’m more emotional. I hurt more. I miss him more.
I also started eating more.
Apparently I will try to numb out subconsciously.
None of it will change the basic facts.
I am a widow. The love of my life died 4 weeks ago. The man I thought I would grow old with, he’s gone. He made the choice to stop fighting. I supported that choice, but dammit, I miss him horribly.
I am a widow. No amount of numbing out will change that.