Numbing Out.

It’s been 4 weeks exactly since he made the decision.

4 weeks ago, I had an amazing nurse with us, who did everything he could to make us comfortable.

4 weeks ago was my last night married to my husband.

4 weeks ago we had an amazing, intimate night where we got to say everything that was needed.

4 weeks ago I got to say good bye.

4 weeks ago a light went out in my life…

I’ve spent the last 4 weeks doing my best to numb out.  I believed at the time that I was ok, still feeling what needed to be felt, but I was numbing out my emotions.

Alcohol doesn’t make me weepy, it makes me numb.  It makes me forget, if only for a moment, a night, how broken my life is.

I almost did something the other night that I would have woke up regretting.  I wanted desperately to…. and sobered up enough to realize how badly I’d feel the next day if I did.

I’ve had a couple drinks since then – but literally one drink on Friday, one on Saturday, nothing last night, not enough to numb out or stop feeling.

The result?  I’m crying more.  I’m more emotional.  I hurt more.  I miss him more.

I also started eating more.

Apparently I will try to numb out subconsciously.

None of it will change the basic facts.

I am a widow.   The love of my life died 4 weeks ago.  The man I thought I would grow old with, he’s gone.  He made the choice to stop fighting.  I supported that choice, but dammit, I miss him horribly.

I am a widow.  No amount of numbing out will change that.

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One thought on “Numbing Out.

  1. Bonnie Dean says:

    I am very sorry that you have lost your husband.

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