Disassociating.. or OK?

I see a psychiatrist as well as my family doctor.  I will, in the near future, see a psychologist as well.

I saw the psych on Monday – he told me that I seem to be doing well in my grief, that I’m in a “normal” place.  That I’m not getting “brittle.”

I saw the family doc today – he reminded me that I don’t ever get brittle.  I disassociate.  I do things that will keep me from processing.  For instance, I will drink too much.  I will eat too much.  I will stay up late until my body can’t function anymore and then pass out in exhaustion.

It’s interesting because in the past 3 days, I’ve had 3 separate conversations about my sleep patterns with 3 different people.

Person 1:  What would Mark want you to do?  (Mark would tell me to get my ass to bed, close my eyes and let my body relax even though I say I’m not sleepy – and then laugh at me the next morning because I fell asleep so fast)

Person 2:  What is your normal rhythms?  (My first yawn normally happens around 10-10.30 pm – probably the time I should go to bed)

Person 3: My doctor and the conversation noted above.

Which tells me something.  What it tells me is that sleep, and taking care of me, is very important.  That if I choose not to pay attention to my body and I choose to ignore the signals, I’m setting myself up for serious failure.

I crash, and end up needing long long naps during the day.  Not every day, but enough for it to be noted.  I notice that I’m unable to function and that’s not a good thing.   I need to sleep.  I need to be mindful, and present.

My doctor reminded me that I need to move from the reactionary frame of mind into the present frame of mind.   I need to, using the tools I have, to create the life I want.   The life Mark would want me to have.  The life that we should have had.

And get some good sleep.

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One thought on “Disassociating.. or OK?

  1. sunnyjane says:

    Reblogged this on Walking a Different Path and commented:

    Something I posted on my Widow’s Path blog that fits with my health and fitness blog…

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