I see a psychiatrist as well as my family doctor. I will, in the near future, see a psychologist as well.
I saw the psych on Monday – he told me that I seem to be doing well in my grief, that I’m in a “normal” place. That I’m not getting “brittle.”
I saw the family doc today – he reminded me that I don’t ever get brittle. I disassociate. I do things that will keep me from processing. For instance, I will drink too much. I will eat too much. I will stay up late until my body can’t function anymore and then pass out in exhaustion.
It’s interesting because in the past 3 days, I’ve had 3 separate conversations about my sleep patterns with 3 different people.
Person 1: What would Mark want you to do? (Mark would tell me to get my ass to bed, close my eyes and let my body relax even though I say I’m not sleepy – and then laugh at me the next morning because I fell asleep so fast)
Person 2: What is your normal rhythms? (My first yawn normally happens around 10-10.30 pm – probably the time I should go to bed)
Person 3: My doctor and the conversation noted above.
Which tells me something. What it tells me is that sleep, and taking care of me, is very important. That if I choose not to pay attention to my body and I choose to ignore the signals, I’m setting myself up for serious failure.
I crash, and end up needing long long naps during the day. Not every day, but enough for it to be noted. I notice that I’m unable to function and that’s not a good thing. I need to sleep. I need to be mindful, and present.
My doctor reminded me that I need to move from the reactionary frame of mind into the present frame of mind. I need to, using the tools I have, to create the life I want. The life Mark would want me to have. The life that we should have had.
And get some good sleep.