Triggers

I expect certain things to trigger me.

The Broadway & Oak/Cambie & 12th blocks of Vancouver.

My bedroom.

Mark’s stuff.

What I didn’t expect, is to be triggered while visiting my Grandmother in a long term care home.

I went to visit her today.  She’s been there a while, but with everything that’s been going on with Mark, and his death, I didn’t get a chance before now.

The home is institutional.  They tried, sort of, to make it “homey” but failed.

It smells, it feels like a hospital, but not a clean one, if you know what I mean.

And then I was in my Grandma’s room – where she’s got a picture of me and Mark and the kids.   That was somewhat distressing.

But the trigger… was the man in a wheelchair repeating over and over in a loud insistent voice: “WHERE’S MY WIFE”

And all I could think of was Mark, in the hospital, and the times that the nurses called me and asked me if I was coming in (usually I was right there) because Mark was asking for his wife.

And I needed to escape.  I practically ran out of there.  The anxiety/panick attack was so intense, I wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

It surprised me.   It scared me, knowing that there’s going to be random triggers.   I can’t prepare for those 😦

It was a bit disconcerting, to say the least.

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One thought on “Triggers

  1. InstantWidow says:

    I am sorry for your experience. These things happen. Knowing that, try not to be fearful of them so that you become paralyzed in your antiicipation of them. Just absorb the moment and breathe your way through them.

    I was recently at the hospital, sitting with the husband of a friend of mine who was having surgery due to ovarian cancer. There were several of us there – including my aunt. I did fine until the DR came out to deliver the bad news that she was Stage 3 and he although he took out as much tumor as possible there was still quite a bit left and she would need chemo.

    While I watched my friend’s husband grapple with the news, I wa instantly remembering how I felt in that exact moment. I looked at my Aunt and she took my hand and squeezed. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. And when I finally did get out, I sat in my car and sobbed. And that reminded me of all the times I sat in that same parking lot sobbing in my car. And that made me cry more.

    I was a mess. LOL. That kind of shit is just going to happen. Just breathe and walk through it. Let the wave of it wash over you and then it will receed. In time these moments will beome less intense. *hugs*

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