Missing Him….

If I closed my eyes, or even if I just defocussed a bit… I could almost see him.  I could almost hear his laughter, feel his hand on my shoulder, feel his presence.  I could almost hear the conversation he would have been having with the people around me.

His energy was so close.  It was almost as if he were there… just for a moment.

That’s the moment I realized I needed to leave my 20 year reunion.

That’s the moment when all I could hear from other women there was “My husband… my husband… my husband” and the awareness of them going back to their husbands was so in-my-face.  The reality that they could reach over and touch their husband, ask a question, get them to grab a sweater or glasses or another drink… and…

I. COULD. NOT.

That’s the moment I needed to go.

I still made my rounds, said goodbye, promised to keep in touch.

I may even go to the pancake breakfast planned for the morning.

But the overwhelming pain.  The overwhelming need for him.  The overwhelming feeling of MISSING him… became too much.

I miss him.  More than I imagined it was possible to miss someone.

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2 thoughts on “Missing Him….

  1. Janice says:

    Jane – Know that missing Mark is the right reaction. The normal reaction. Being overwhelmed with missing him is appropriate considering he’s been gone such a short time. Don’t beat yourself up for having these feelings. He was your love, and your partner for the future … and missing him is exactly how you should be feeling. You will get to the place that your children have reached. Your grief will evolve so that you can think of Mark and the wonderful times you had together, without it overwhelming you … it just takes time, and work. You will learn the tools to deal with your feelings – but it doesn’t happen overnight. Another widow once told me that she just started pretending to be happy, and over time, she forgot she was pretending … and she was just happy. You will be happy again – just a different kind of happy than you were with Mark. Gentle hugs my friend.

  2. Hadassah Hannah says:

    You were very brave to go to the reunion and even braver to leave it.

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