So in seeing my bereavement counsellor – she gave me a good explanation of why/how I feel with respect to my depression & energy levels.
She explained it like this:
People are given so much energy in a day. If we are to look at it in terms of a dollar amount – perhaps we are given $100 a day in energy.
For most of life – we sorta balance out, some days using less, some days borrowing from the day before or the next day, but in the end it all balances out.
When something like a major loss hits, grief takes a LOT of energy. So instead of using up $100 per day of energy to get through the entire day, it takes $150 a day to just survive that day. To just keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other and to just make it to the end of the day, never mind do all the stuff that we used to do in a day.
And then each day comes, and we’re still borrowing, still borrowing, still borrowing until eventually the amount we need to borrow lessens and lessens until we’re using up the energy we have, and then it slowly gets back to “before.” But we still have all that energy we borrowed from before… and we now have a deficit of energy… what took us a short time to do before will take us longer to do now.
The balance isn’t really a balance because we’re still fighting with the lack of energy from before.
For a lot of people (me included) that point is where another depressive wave hits. And I’m back to borrowing energy, clawing for air, trying desperately to keep my head above water… sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing.
It’s a long long process to get back to *normal* and live life again.
It was an extremely helpful analogy for me to explain to another person why sometimes I”ll seem full of energy – but really I’m not.
It makes what I’m going through make sense to me.
This morning, and most of today, I had a lot of energy. And then suddenly I crashed. I’m going to rest a bit before derby – but I know that derby will help with recharging me. So I’m going to borrow heavily from the energy I don’t have to get my butt out the door and go skating 🙂
I found this on someone’s facebook page – I don’t remember who – but would love to give credit where credit is due.