I’ve Been Abandoned

Not in a bad way.  It could have been, but it wasn’t.

Everyone got on with their lives.  They did what they planned on doing, they took trips, they went to work, and I was left to my own devices.

It could have gone either way – I could have fallen into a pit of despair.  I could have wallowed in my grief.  I could have submerged myself in the abyss of nothingness…

Or I could have risen up.  I could have done the things that needed to be done.  I could have cleaned the house, did the dishes, moved furniture, sorted out the legal stuff, carried on with life.

I did.

Everyone went on with their lives, my friend went on her trip and I was left with my kids and my house and all the chaos that went along with it.

I cleaned instead of hiding.

I decluttered instead of wallowing.

I organized instead of submerging.

I stood up and took care of things.   I did what I needed to do.  I parented, and re-learned how to do the things that needed to be done, and I found a peace of sorts.

I still miss him.

I still have moments, hours, days where I can’t breathe for missing him.

But I keep going.  I know it’s what he would have wanted – it’s how he’d have handled it.  He would have pushed me to move forward, move on and do what needed to be done.

So I keep going.

And when life starts to overwhelm me – I tackle something in my house until I have something under control.

I think that’s what it’s about for me – I can’t control that he’s gone. I can’t control where my life is going to end up.  But I can control how clean my house is, how organized, how peaceful.  And so I will control that.

I keep going.  Despite how much I miss him.




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