No I’m Not Okay.

I’m sitting here trying to get control of the feeling of being strangled.

I’m sitting here trying desperately not to cry.

I’m sitting here looking at the time and wondering how I’m going to pull it together enough to go to practice in less than 2 hours.

Today would have been our 13th wedding anniversary.  Today would have been a day where we would love each other, and he’d cook dinner for me, and we’d sit on our back deck having a romantic candlelight dinner.

And instead I’m planning his memorial.

I’m staring at the flowers my friend Chantal bought me.  We share the same wedding anniversary.

I’m trying to pull myself together enough to go out in public.

My children are all away.

My husband is gone.

I have a friend here who is wonderfully, incredibly helpful but I don’t know how to lean on her.

I miss him.  I miss the life we were planning on having together.  I miss the promises we made to each other.

13 years… 13 years out of the 50 we promised each other.

I love you, Mark.  I miss you more every day.



3 thoughts on “No I’m Not Okay.

  1. Suzzanne Walsh says:

    Life does go on, and it does get a little easier..cry all you need to and lean on your friends! I would have celebrated 29 years of marriage on Aug 19 and instead found myself remembering with tears the 13 1/2 years we did have together. Special days always make me teary and sometimes even a song on the radio will make me cry…I know you don’t know me, but here is a cyber hug and I hope that each day gets a little easier to put one foot in front of the other.

  2. June says:

    Jane, I feel for you every step of the way, but it does get easier but it never truly goes away. It has been 5 years for me now, and I still have my moments when I wonder how I got this far. We would’ve celebrated our 26th anniversary on October 3rd coming up this year. It’s not easy, and you are allowed to cry and grieve whenever you’re feeling the pain. Hugs, June

  3. Hadassah Hannah says:

    I know the feeling; it should have been 20 years for me this year.

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