Most people associate January 1 as a time for a fresh start… a new beginning… We make New Year’s resolutions… we try to regain focus after a Christmas season of excesss….
But the real time of new beginnings is in September. September brings the end of summer and the beginning of a new season. It brings the end of summer and the beginning of a new school year. It brings the beginning of leaves falling and everything going into hibernation for the winter so that everything can bloom forth again in the spring. It signals the time when we harvest our gardens, prepare for the cold, and prepare for a time of less…
For me, this September is a new phase of my grief. My summer has been one of excess. One of unrelenting mourning. One of wallowing in the grief. One of just “being” and just feeling. One where I would feel until I couldn’t feel and then I would numb out. And I would self-medicate.
I have had one last weekend of that sort of grief. I went camping, and drank the entire weekend. I stayed in a constant state of “numb” and not feeling. Only it didn’t work. By the end of the weekend… I missed him still. I needed him still. There was much I wanted to share with him. There was times I could almost FEEL him there. There were times I wanted to snuggle up to him and just revel in his warmth.
And then there were the moments where it was painfully obvious that I was no longer part of a “couple” and I missed him beyond what I thought I could handle.
I left the camping trip early – I needed to be home, needed to be in my “space” again, needed to centre myself and with all the people around – I didn’t feel like I could just be “me” in my sadness or my melancholy if I needed to.
Today marks a day of new beginnings. This is the point where I stop “being” in grief, when I stop “wallowing” and I start actively working through it. I will force myself to create routines. I will allow myself time to grieve, and allow my boys to help me work through that. But I will no longer just “be” in grief – I need to be MOM again. I need to be JANE again. I need to be the role model I can be.
Just because Mark isn’t there to lift me up anymore… doesn’t mean I have to stay down.
Today I start to work my way back to the woman I was with him….
I still miss you Mark… more than you might know… more than I thought was possible.