10 weeks…

Tomorrow it will have been 10 weeks since he died.

Trying to explain how I’m feeling… I just tell everyone that I’m “ok” and hope they don’t dig too far.

A new friend of mine posted this on her facebook page.  She lost her husband one week after I lost mine… there are so many similarities in our lives…

It is now September 3rd. It has been two months since Mike passed away. Two months. 

I know that each day I get through is making me “stronger” or “tougher;” however, it is only on the surface. I give really good face. 🙂 If I sit and think for a bit too long about the truth of the matter that Mike is never walking back in that door again, I get panicky, sick to my stomach and the tears start flowing. If I am alone, I end up in sobs. If I am around someone, I choke it down so as to continue giving a look of strength to those around me. 

Please do not think I am spiraling out of control. I lost half of my heart two months ago. I lost someone who was way too young by most people’s standards to die. In an instant, all of my dreams and plans for my future got changed. I lost the life I knew and the life I was looking forward to. In an instant, I watched my beautiful daughter lose her first love. In an instant, her life was forever changed to have to continue growing up without her daddy there to even see her become a teenager let alone all the other milestones in her young life. The man who cherished the ground she and I walked on as well as the air we breathed was gone — in an instant. So am I out of control? No. No, I’m not. I am grieving, and for the first time in my entire life, I am allowing myself to walk right through the middle of the fire and facing the pain rather than trying to get around it, get over it or get under it. I know it will continue to be there no matter how much I try to hide or avoid it. That is why I am just living it. However, know that if you do come around, I’m okay. Don’t avoid talking about Mike or asking how I’m doing for fear that it will upset me. All I need is a good ear and a box of Kleenex if you come around — oh, and margaritas seem to work really good too! ♥ ♥ Love you all ♥ ♥

The parts that resonate most with me, I’ve bolded.  Especially the first paragraph. I give really good face.  I am learning oh so well how to stuff it, and cry in private.   The panicky, twisty, sick to my stomach feeling… that overwhelms me.
And that is wrong on so many levels.
10 friggen weeks.  And now that the numbness is wearing off – it hurts more today than it did when he first died.  If I keep saying it over and over… will I eventually believe that he’s gone?  That he died and left me behind?  That I am really truly a widow?
My counsellor says I will.  I just know that as soon as I think about it… the panicky twisty, sick to my stomach feeling overwhelms me to degrees I can’t handle.

3 thoughts on “10 weeks…

  1. Hadassah Hannah says:

    For what it’s worth, I know what it’s like to lose a man born in 1963.

  2. Looking at these dates, your husband was almost six months to the day younger than my Mike. Mike’s birth date was November 23, 1962. They were both way too young to go. Much, much too young.

  3. Jun e E. Bull says:

    Jane, my heart breaks for you, because I do know the feeling. Five years later, and if I let myself think too much, I too get that horrible sick feeling and lump in my stomach. At first, it was really bad. I’d wake up in the morning (if I slept) and it would “hit” me right away. I have carried on with my life, BUT I still would like to have back what I had despite it wasn’t perfect. We were great soulmates like you and your hubby were. It takes a long time but it will never go away totally. Just know that your friends feel for you too. And if you feel like crying, go ahead. It helps. Grieve in whatever way feels best for you. Love and hugs, June in NB

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