Feel the Fear…

And do it Anyhow.

That’s the book my psychologist has me reading right now.

It’s true.  A lot of it.  Probably all of it.

It doesn’t change how painful it is though.

My fears around losing my husband are that I cannot handle life alone.  Reality is that I don’t want to.  I’m pretty darned sure that I will be fine. I will be ok.  I will find a routine that works for us.   I will find a functional routine.

But there’s this big fucking hole in my world.

As with any hole, with any void, with any vacuum, something rushes in to fill that void.

For me, it’s pain.  Pain fills me, takes over me, overwhelms me, and knocks me flat on my ass.

The pain of losing him.  The pain of losing our future.  The pain of losing the intimacy we shared.  The pain of losing the physical presence of his love.

And that pain consumes me.

I can walk through the pain. I can walk through the fears.  I’ve done it.  I’ve pushed myself.  Sometimes with good results, sometimes with disastrous results.  I’m not a phoenix, not yet.  Right now, I’m just on fire and being consumed by the pain.

I had a pretty good weekend where I consumed enough alcohol on a continuous enough basis that I was able to not feel for 3 days.  And then… all the flames, all the fire, all the pain that I had suppressed, rose up and swallowed me.

I was in such a deep depression that I went to see my doctor.  I was concerned about my mental health.

It took 2 days to dig myself out of that.  2 days where I was lost to the pain and being consumed by it.

I have good days where I think… “Hey! I can go back to work! I’m ok!” and then that happens.

Even now, sitting here, typing this out… I am having problems controlling the pain.  It’s threatening to overwhelm me again.

And I have 3 hours to get myself together before my kids get home from school.

Losing a spouse, losing my life partner, losing my love, losing such a remarkable presence in my life… that’s going to take time to recover from.

Eventually… I will become the phoenix… I will rise from the ashes.  In the meantime… I’m on fire… I’m struggling.  I’m hurting.

Some days I am the flame… some days I’m the ash.. today… today I am the killer of fruit flies.


2 thoughts on “Feel the Fear…

  1. Hadassah Hannah says:

    One of the best things I heard in a bereavement support group — which I recommend, by the way — is “We grieve as deeply as we love.” That’s why you feel the way you do. It’s utterly normal, and it’s important to know that. But normal doesn’t mean easy or good. I’m glad you have access to a therapist, and, again, if/when you’re ready to try, I recommend the support groups — people there “get it.”

  2. sunnyjane says:

    I’m waiting for the bereavement support group to get started again in September. I see a bereavement counsellor weekly, and my psychologist bi-weekly, my psychiatrist and GP monthly… (or as needed)

    Thank you for that – knowing this is normal because I’m grieving as deeply as I loved him… that makes sense to me. That makes a lot of things make sense.

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