I’m Not Suicidal

I don’t want to die.

I want very much to live.

You need to understand this, in order to read this post.

I WANT TO LIVE.

I want a HAPPY, FULL life.

So… now that you understand that… lets talk about what’s going on.

I want to hurt myself.

I think about taking a blade and cutting across the skin, drawing blood, and creating an intense pain.

I think about this frequently.

Usually while I’m fighting tears.

Why? you ask.  Never in my history of mental health have I been a cutter.  Never have I had that issue.  So why now?

Because nothing else is working.

Alcohol does not numb me enough.  Drugs (recreational & prescription) have not done anything. Eating only makes me feel like crap.

Nothing. Else. Is. Working.

I’ve been told that one grieves as hard as one loved.  The depth of my grief, the level of pain… it has surprised me.

I loved him.  I know I did.  We always talked about how I figured he loved me more than I loved him.  I know now that that was wrong.  That was so very very wrong.   Or if it was correct, then day-um he loved me so much.   In the end, I can’t quantify who loved whom more… all I know is that I loved him.  At the core of me, I loved him more than I knew.

And now I’m grieving over him.  I’m grieving for the loss of him, for the loss of our life together, for him.

And it fucking hurts.  It hurts so much I can’t breathe.  It hurts so much I can’t think. It hurts so much I can’t sleep.  It hurts so much I don’t know how to cope.

It’s sorta like childbirth.   The pain keeps coming, over and over and over, in waves, intensifying, getting you to a point where you don’t know that you can handle it anymore, begging for it to stop.

The joy of childbirth is that you know there will be an ending.  You know that there will a beautiful baby at the end of it.   There will be joy and happiness and the pain will go away.

Grief doesn’t work like that.

Grief doesn’t have a happy ending.  Grief doesn’t have joy and smiles and the pain DOESN’T GO AWAY.

I’m a writer.  I use writing to try to assuage the pain.  I use writing to try to get the feelings out so they don’t overwhelm me and take over my life.  It’s been fairly successful and workable.

It’s not working anymore either.

So I sit and wonder, when the pain gets so intense I can’t breathe or concentrate, if it would help if I cut.  I want the pain to stop.  Just for a moment. Just for a little while so I can enjoy life again.

I don’t want to die.  I just want to have something that will take away the pain.

I don’t cut.  I won’t cut.  I am more scared to go that route than I am of the pain I’m feeling.  But I think about it.  A lot.  I think about it would feel to just control the pain for just a little while.

There’s research out of the UK that suggests that someone can die of a broken heart.  Some days, the pain is so intense, it feels like that.

I miss him.  I didn’t know someone could hurt this much.  I didn’t think I could.    If I could go back 14 years, knowing what I know now… I’d still live my life the way we did.  I wouldn’t change anything other than trying to get healthy sooner and taking better care of ourselves, but I’d still take the chance that I’d lose him too soon again and have the joy of those years.

I’m not suicidal.  I’m sad.  And grieving.  And it fucking hurts.

 

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8 thoughts on “I’m Not Suicidal

  1. InstantWidow says:

    If you are not religious then what I’m going to say won’t matter to you. But if you are – or if you’re willing to try – the Lord is waiting for you to ask for His help. He hears your pleas for release. He wants you to come to him in absolute trust and faith.

    Abraham Lincoln: Many times I have found myself on my knees because I had no where else to go.

    Get down on your knees. Call out the name of the Lord and TELL HIM EXACTLY how you feel. Tell him your fears. Ask for His help to relieve you of this despair so that you can be a good mother for your children. Ask him to take away your desire for these unhealthy behaviors. Tell Him you are angry and sad and full of grief and you need relief. And THANK HIM for all the blessings He is providing (those you see and those you don’t) … for the continued health of your kids, for the roof over your head, for the car under your ass, and for the job that is awaiting your return. Ask Him to help you out of this mud puddle and to help you regain whatever life it is that He wants for you. Say thank you and amen.

    The get up, go wash your face and get dressed and get out of the house for a few hours. Go get a coffee and sit quietly and try to listen to what messages God is sending you. If you are willing to trust Him, He will lead you out of this as time passes.

    You are exactly where you are supposed to be WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. God has promised us many things including that he will never leave us. God has a plan for you. It is up to YOU to look for it and reach for it and work with God to find your way to the correct path.

    For now, concentrate on asking God to help you swim thru these waves og grief and for Him to keep the devil from bogging down your mind and heart with these crazy ass notions of drinking, drugging, and self mutilation. Jesus hung on a cross for you. He didn’t get to numb out of that. He had to experience it. So too do you have to experience this.

    Sit down, set aside your current self-absorbed thoughts, and pray for help and understanding of what God wants for you. I can assure you he is patient, like a good father, and is waiting for your temper tantrum to come to an end so He can work with you.

    Get on your knees and pray, girlfriend. Pray for strength, clarity, and healing. Focus on getting out of the mud puddle you are wallowing in.

    *hugs* if I have offended you I am sorry. Take what you like and leave the rest. And you can tell me to shut the hell up if you’d like. I am where you are … approaching 10 months now … I understand.

  2. I have been there myself Jane and I can understand – i have wanted to cut and i have cut – watching myself was sickening yet it was suck a relief. Maybe it is physical pain we can understand and is more or less control; emotional/heartache doesn’t seem to go away with a bandage or pain killers. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, we are entitled to our feelings and grief is a complicated thing. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

    • Charity says:

      “Yet it was suck (sic) a relief …”

      Real relief comes when you follow InstantWidow’s advice, venture to include requests for a sign – or even a message – from your husband in your prayers, and those prayers (and maybe even many more) are answered. Believe it. It’s happening to me. It can happen to you – but only if you meet this head on. Escape is not true escape, so stop trying. God can transform even the deepest grief into not just survival or purpose but joy, but you have to want it. You have to let Him.

      I know we widows are not supposed to tell anyone how to grieve, but when someone says cutting is a relief, I gotta speak up.

  3. val says:

    We have different circumstances in our loss. But i find the grief to be similar. Not the same. because your loss is greate than mine. But sometimes my thoughts are it would just be easy to slip away. It could be so easy to just take those pills. But i have a child here and 3 more else where that keep me getting up every morning. I am not even close right now to being at my best. I get up and do the best i can on that day. The physical, emotional pain is very real and very intense. best thoughts Jane, we will be better sometime. Back to normal? I dont know, But better. “There is no normal life there is just life” Doc Holiday.

  4. […] been there.  I’ve written a post about it (I’m Not Suicidal) and I’m scared to be there […]

  5. Hadassah Hannah says:

    I so hear you. But there has got to be, and there is, a better way than self-harm. I’m going to suggest intense exercise, or intense housework, or anything else that gets you out of your head and into your body in a HEALTHY way. Blessings and best wishes from one who gets it.

  6. […] had blogged a while back about how I was not suicidal, but I had these urges to hurt myself.  To cause pain to […]

  7. […] posted on my personal blog on October 4, 2012 – but as I am coming up on the 1st year anniversary – it’s […]

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