New Meds

Apparently blowing off your psychologist is a bad thing.

Apparently when you tell your doctor that, he says that the meds are not working like they should, and that I’m still avoiding the feelings and disassociating, and adds something to your regimine.

Apparently they help put you to sleep.

I have good days.  I have bad days.  I’m never sure if the bad days, the lows, are depression related or grief related.   I’m still relatively functional during my lows – it’s when I’m dealing with the anxiety that I have difficulty functioning.

My doctor says it doesn’t matter.  That I need to stay out of the lows so that I can get into the feelings, work through them.   Somehow that doesn’t make sense to me.

I’m supposed to feel the emotions.  I’m supposed to stop avoiding them.   But when I feel them, when I allow myself to grieve, feel sad, I get low.

But the new meds are supposed to keep the lows… not quite so low?   But what if the feelings ARE that low?

This would all be so much simpler if he had just LIVED.

I’m trying.  I miss him.  I miss our life together.  I don’t like the feeling of emptiness, the feeling of something missing that permeates every single part of my life.

I’ll take the meds.  I’ll stay compliant.  I’ll actively work on whatever it is I’m supposed to work on to move through, adapt, adjust.

I’ll still miss him.   Always.


One thought on “New Meds

  1. I can relate, although I haven’t lost a spouse thankfully, I have however lost a brother and a dear mother within a few weeks of each other as well as experienced a loss of myself due to my cancer diagnosis in June. With everything just hitting me and my family over the last month, I’m now hitting those lows you speak of. It’s a vicious cycle, you want to go deep down into them to try and work through them and heal, but the low can be so devastating that you can get stuck and it can be hard to pull oneself back out. Keep on plugging, I look at it right now as “one moment at a time” and hope that one day things will stabilize. Keep writing, it’s good for you and we enjoy reading your musings.

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