My rings are sitting on top of your urn… I’ve had them off for a while now – they were hurting the boys whenever I played rough with them.
So I took them off.
Some days, my hands feel incredibly naked. Some days, the spot where your ring belongs on my hand is achy with want.
And I go get them, and put them back on.
Other days – I barely notice their lack.
Neither is the ring that you gave me – both are rings that I gave you – one I purloined when my rings went missing.
But they are a symbol of our marriage.
Is it a betrayal that they’re not decorating my hands?
And then, last night, there was a man in my house. It wasn’t a *date* per se, it was companionship.
I offered him a massage, in trade for a massage for me (my neck was incredibly sore) and he came over with a bottle of wine and we spent the evening together.
Nothing inappropriate happened.
Massages happened through shirts.
Children were in and out of the living room, coming up and down the stairs – so we were never “alone.”
But during the massages – I took off the necklace. The pendant with your ashes that I wear next to my heart always.
Was that a betrayal?
I don’t know… What I know is that I had a lovely evening. What I know is that for the first time in many months, I had a someone touch me in a pleasant way that did not involve a hug. (Hugs are great by the way – I love them). What I know is that I got a chance to get to know someone better.
I woke this morning with pleasant memories of the evening, a boy snuggled up beside me, and a plan for a fun night tonight.
And knowing my husband – he would not have seen me spending an evening with another man as a betrayal but as a an opportunity to connect with a friend – so that is how I will see it.
Besides – Mark is always with me, always sitting next to my heart.
I don’t know if I had blogged about this before – but when planning my tattoo – someone asked me: “What if the next guy doesn’t like it?” And my answer to that is – then they are not the next right person for me.