Odd Dreams

I’ve been having odd dreams about him lately.

I’ve read or heard somewhere that when you dream about your deceased loved one and you’re interacting/having conversations with them – that it’s a visitation.   But if you have a dream about them without that type of interaction – it’s your own subconscious/manifestations.

I’ve had a few dreams (that I remember) about him.

One, I talked to him.  We had a conversation.

The others were just “observation” dreams.   The most recent was last night.

I dreamt that he was sick.  Not sick as in bedridden but sick as in mentally ill.   I dreamt that he was a danger to himself and others, and then he disappeared.     His physician wouldn’t do anything, and for some reason we hadn’t reported him as a missing person.

About 4 months later, I finally insisted. I went down to his physician’s office (naked from the waist up – what does THAT mean I wonder – weirder thing was that nobody noticed, although I kept trying to cover myself) and insisted that he talk to me. I involved a teacher (? that one stumps me – especially since that particular teacher is now retired) in getting the doctor’s attention, I made a scene in the doctor’s office and finally got the doctor to talk to me.

At which point I dissolved into tears, because my husband was gone, and no one seemed concerned.

Amateur (for the record, I can’t spell that word – had to use spell check) psychologists (but I can spell this one??) can read what they want into it.  Professional psychologists (if they’re reading this) will also have a much more educated opinion.

What I know is that it’s been almost exactly 4 months since he died.

Who knows?  Maybe that was a visitation.   Maybe he was telling me that it’s ok to accept that he’s gone.

People have been surprised that I’ve been going through Mark’s stuff.  What they don’t understand is that while his stuff is exactly the way it was when he went into the hospital – my brain tells me that he’s STILL THERE.   There’s a part of me that refuses to accept he’s gone – and as long as everything looks like it did when he went INTO the hospital – the possibility (in my head) exists that he’s coming back.

He’s not.

I don’t want to eradicate him from my home or my world, but I need to make changes to stop perpetrating the fantasy that he’s coming back.

He’s not.

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