WTF Now???

Warning:  This post may contain unbridled, uncensored emotion.  It may be a trigger for some readers.

WTF am I supposed to do now?  Really?

My doctor (as wonderful as he is) says I’m not to disassociate.  To try to feel the feelings.  Go through them. Fucking move through them.

I don’t FUCKING WANT TO.

It hurts.  It twists me up inside.  I want to curl up into a little ball and hide away until the world doesn’t exist anymore.

My life doesn’t make sense without him.  As soon as I think about how he’s NOT FUCKING THERE, nothing makes sense anymore.   How the FUCK am I supposed to deal with that?

I drink.  It doesn’t work anymore. It did for a while, but now I just get weepier.  Ok, stopping the drinking.

I eat.  It never works. I just felt like utter crap when the binge was over.

Gratuitous sex with random people?  Yeah – not going to happen.   There’s *one* person I’d like to connect with – but I think I want that person more for their presence than anything.   I want to snuggle and just be close to them and I don’t know that’s something they have it in them to provide.

So how the FUCK am I supposed to cope with the feelings of utter loss, of devastation, of NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN when he’s not here.  I can’t share my life with him. I can’t plan a future with him.  And my son is singing songs about love and loss and I get that he processes his grief through music but I don’t – and it’s pretty fucking triggering.  But I’m his mom and I’m not going to tell him to stop.   He needs to go through it.

*sigh*

I just don’t get why. I feel broken. I feel shattered.  I just want to pull my family close and hold them tight – all of them.  I want to scream and break things.  I want to scratch and bite and kick and punch.  I want to throw things at windows and walls.

But I don’t want to clean up the mess of what that would entail.

So I write.

The nights are the worst.  Sorry Lisa – that’s when I can’t hold it together anymore and I write 😦   There’s good times during the day – but the nights just remind me of how alone I am.

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3 thoughts on “WTF Now???

  1. Hadassah Hannah says:

    What Lisa Niemi said upon losing Patrick Swayze? “I miss him at a cellular level.” I SO get that. To cope, writing is good. Sharing here is good. Another good thing is to go to a bereavement support group. They usually exist even in small towns. I’m going to one tonight.

    • sunnyjane says:

      We don’t have a bereavement support group. There’s no one to facilitate – so they just don’t have one. We also don’t have bereavement counselling. *sigh* Funding was just cut for it. I *do* see a psychologist – but it’s not quite the same.

  2. widowwisdom says:

    Nights are when silence creeps in. Talk. Write. It’s the best way. It’s ok to be mad. No one understands this fully until its happened to them. So know I’m here. 🙂 I’m a survivor.

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