Unexpected Perspective

I’m paying for piano lessons.

I’ve wanted to take piano lessons for a long time.  I took them as a child.

So I’m paying for them.   I want to learn piano.   I want to have the ability to teach piano.

Since Mark died… the thought process that life is too short to not realize my dreams.  We kept talking about getting him a motorcycle… next year.   Next summer.  Next time.

 

It became too late.   Too late for Mark. Too late to realize his dream. Too late for him and I to travel across the country on motorcycles.

So I decided to follow my dream.

I enrolled in piano lessons.   I took one lesson.  I paid for more.

And then I promptly ignored my piano.

The books are sitting on my piano exactly the way they were when I got home from that first lesson.

That was 4 weeks ago.

I think about practising.  I want to practise.  But every time I start in that direction – something distracts me.

Laundry.  Dishes.  Vacuuming.  Kids.  Panick attacks.

And I’ve managed to miss EVERY. SINGLE. LESSON. since that first day.

The next lesson is tonight.

Last night, my oldest kid and I were hanging out.  He was playing guitar and we were chattering about this and that.  And I was ruminating about my piano lessons.

Kyle, being the person he is, tried tough love… “GO.  Practice.  Now. ” and I started panicking.

I mentioned to him that I was panicking, and almost absentmindedly asked “I wonder why I panick when I think about piano?”

“Because it means you’re moving on”  he said.   It was an off the cuff conversation, with a quick and easy answer.   Something I hadn’t considered.

I’m afraid of practising because I am afraid of moving on.

It was an unexpected perspective.

Now – I just have to figure out what I’m going to do about tonight.

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4 thoughts on “Unexpected Perspective

  1. widowwisdom says:

    Yes it’s like being stuck in mud. You’ll get there. Don’t worry about what you put off tomorrow. It will be ok in the end. If its not ok it’s not the end. 🙂 hugs!

  2. be very kind to yourself. you will know when the lessons make sense. perhaps there are smaller things to do. i’m buying some clothes. i get stuck a little thinking that it’s somehow wrong but i do it. i’m taking little steps. i’m not sure what my piano lessons will be but i know they will come around the bend sometime.
    thank you for writing.

  3. Rose Chimera says:

    Baby steps ok? Just small baby steps is all you need to make. Remember when babies are first starting to walk, they fall a LOT! They keep getting up though don’t they? Consider yourself in that phase of this grief process…baby steps. So you took a lesson..the first step…then fell. Its ok. You’ll get up again when it feels right for you. Don’t beat yourself up because you took one lesson and no more. The bright spot is that you took a lesson!

    When my husband first died the first baby step for me was leaving the house. Just leaving the place we shared. To go to the grocery store was an almost impossible chore. While I didn’t care about eating, my dogs needed food and that motivated me out of the house, finally. I remember standing in the aisle that had paper towels and just started bawling. Paper towels? It triggered something, I didn’t know what though. I immediately abandoned the cart and left the store. It was very hard, the first time. It got easier–not easy–but easier each time I did it. I can do it now without crying entirely. However, each time I left the house I gave myself permission to quit. Each time I stayed out longer but I did quit. Each time was hard. Each time was frightening. What if I run into someone I know? What if I have to talk about why I look like I do? I didn’t care what I looked like but I didn’t want to have to explain the “why” behind it. What if I start crying? I cried so much I announced one day that I’d have to stop or I’ll become dehydrated.

    All I can really say to you is that it is OK if you start moving forward. Maybe just focus on the one lesson you did take and consider taking another lesson…some day soon. I set deadlines for myself…never met them though.

    Moving forward, doing something new…doesn’t mean you love your husband less. It doesn’t mean you miss your life with him any less. It just means that you are starting to realize that you are still alive and as painful and lonely it is at times, its ok that you move forward a little at a time. (((((hugs))))

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