I’m paying for piano lessons.
I’ve wanted to take piano lessons for a long time. I took them as a child.
So I’m paying for them. I want to learn piano. I want to have the ability to teach piano.
Since Mark died… the thought process that life is too short to not realize my dreams. We kept talking about getting him a motorcycle… next year. Next summer. Next time.
It became too late. Too late for Mark. Too late to realize his dream. Too late for him and I to travel across the country on motorcycles.
So I decided to follow my dream.
I enrolled in piano lessons. I took one lesson. I paid for more.
And then I promptly ignored my piano.
The books are sitting on my piano exactly the way they were when I got home from that first lesson.
That was 4 weeks ago.
I think about practising. I want to practise. But every time I start in that direction – something distracts me.
Laundry. Dishes. Vacuuming. Kids. Panick attacks.
And I’ve managed to miss EVERY. SINGLE. LESSON. since that first day.
The next lesson is tonight.
Last night, my oldest kid and I were hanging out. He was playing guitar and we were chattering about this and that. And I was ruminating about my piano lessons.
Kyle, being the person he is, tried tough love… “GO. Practice. Now. ” and I started panicking.
I mentioned to him that I was panicking, and almost absentmindedly asked “I wonder why I panick when I think about piano?”
“Because it means you’re moving on” he said. It was an off the cuff conversation, with a quick and easy answer. Something I hadn’t considered.
I’m afraid of practising because I am afraid of moving on.
It was an unexpected perspective.
Now – I just have to figure out what I’m going to do about tonight.