Their Pain…

I can’t take away their pain.

I raised my older two kids to be strong, independent and self-reliant.

I forget, sometimes, how very young they still are.

At 22 and almost 21, my oldest children have lost not one, but two fathers.

Their biological dad died when they were 5 & 3.      I married my husband when they were 7 & 9.  We had been together a year and a half at that point… so he had been in their lives since they were 5 &7.

My husband may not have been their biological dad – but he was *dad* in every way that counted.

Last night, I got a glimpse of my son’s naked pain.   He does a very good job of hiding it, but if you listen to his music, you can hear it.

I got to hear it in a way I don’t think he expresses very often.

And I wanted to take away the pain.  I want to heal the hurt.  I want to make it better and show him that it really can be ok.

He’s going to move through this… but it breaks my heart that he has to.

As a wife, I’ve lost my husband, my partner, my soul mate.

As a mom, I have to watch my children navigate life without their father.   The older ones were blessed with being raised to adulthood by Mark.  The younger ones?  I’m going to have to figure out their teen years without his guidance.   And it breaks my heart that they will miss out on the amazing person he was.   He had a way with the kids that I don’t.  He was their confidante.  He was the one they knew they could talk to.   He was an amazing role model.

I want to help them… but the older kids won’t let me.  They don’t want me to have to hurt more than I am.   But I hurt knowing what they’re going through.



2 thoughts on “Their Pain…

  1. Rose Chimera says:

    My children have lost 2 dads also. Their bio dad just abandoned them when they were 7 and 9. My 2nd husband legally adopted them both at 8 and 10. He died when they were 19 and 21. I got stuck on the loss of 2 dads for a long time. I wondered if I had just stayed married to the 1st husband then my kids would still have a father. But he abandoned them and we can’t rewrite history. However, bio dad has recently been in contact with me–17 years later after he was legally removed as having any connection to the kids–and trying to make amends or something. My kids are now 28 and 26. Its up to them whether they want anything from this man. But….they have indeed lost 2 fathers. That is mostly based on my actions. That one abandoned and one died I couldn’t stop I know, however…it does not make it easier to ignore that my kids do not have a father now. The long reach of the fingers of death and grief is astounding. It touches areas we cannot even begin to anticipate.

    I wonder if your kids are hurting but don’t want to cause you any more pain. I too hurt for my kids and know what they might be going through. They too do not want my help. I guess we can only bring up the topic and keep the door open for any conversation that might come-when they are ready.

    It just all really sux with no roadmap available on how to negotiate these unfamiliar paths.

  2. Hadassah Hannah says:

    Your children are lucky to have such an observant and caring mom.

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