I Hate the Nights

It’s 10.15pm.  I am alone.  Katie & Kyle & Tavis & Adam are doing their own thing.  Luke & Andrew are sleeping.

This is where I’d normally be watching a movie with him.  Playing cards with him.  Being intimate.  Being part of a couple.

Instead, the TV is on, I don’t like solitaire, and I’m playing on the interwebz.

I miss him.

I miss his presence.

I miss his laugh.

I miss his warmth.

I miss the sound of his heartbeat.

After his heart attacks, I could lay with my head against his chest for a  long time, just listening to his hear beat.   After he got sick, I would do the same.

Just listening to him breathe.

And now that’s gone.

There’s an emptiness here.

I can fill it, occasionally, with activities such as derby, having company over, or craft night.

But in the end I’m alone.  I’m lonely.  I miss HIM.

Every once in a while, I hear some story that’s supposed to tug at the heart strings about how this person got this sick and was in the hospital for this long and finally pulled through… and all I can think is FUCK YOU YOU SURVIVED.

Because he didn’t.  And I’m angry that I have to be alone when they still get the opportunity to be with the one they love.

I wouldn’t want them to have died… but it’s not fair that Mark did.

I miss him.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I Hate the Nights

  1. Rose Chimera says:

    I’m so sorry! I really am. Because I know that aloneness. Its THE worse kind of lonliness there is.

    I know too that thought, that feeling of FUCK YOU! to those few survivors of the cancer that killed Mike. I also ask why them and not Mike? I immediately follow that thought with OMG I don’t want them to die just so I have company in my misery; one more widow/widower to join this horrible “club” we’re in. Its not the Lonely Housewife’s Club, its the Lonely Widow’s Club. And it really does suck.

    But really? Why not Mike?

    If you and I feel that, others must be too. We can’t really be alone with those thoughts can we? I don’t think so. I’m just honest enough to admit it.

    The late night hours are the worse because that’s when the world is asleep and we’re not. That’s when the fact that he’s gone hits the hardest–at least for me.

    I watch really stupid movies that are on late at night–for the company. I let my 160 rottweiler sleep in the bed now–to sort of replace MIke. It doesnt’ work, but having weight on the other side of the bed sometimes does.

    It bites big time that insomnia came to live with me along with the cancer. I am lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep each night, its never uninterrupted. I don’t even get that respite from the absence. It pisses me off quite frankly.

    However, there are times when its easier. Not easy mind you; just easier. I can promise you that it will get easier.

    In the meantime just know that I’m there with you, in spirit and thought.

  2. Chris says:

    I love it that you guys are here for each other

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s