It’s Like a Steam Engine

There must be a pressure relief valve.

I had blogged a while back about how I was not suicidal, but I had these urges to hurt myself.  To cause pain to myself.

And last night, I had this overwhelming need to vomit out the pain I feel in a poem.

I try, really really try, to not put those feelings out there.  But I’m coming to realize that those are the feelings I NEED to blog about.

Life is pretty good.  Life is pretty ok.

My days are spent being domestic, my afternoons spent being a mom, and I’m able to keep it together until the evening.

The evenings are when all the feelings come out.

Some days – I get to bed at the end of the day, and I’m ok.   It’s been a busy, full, active day.  I’ve been surrounded by friends, content in my life and things have been fantastic.

But then there are days when I have too much time to think.  Too much time to get lost in my head.  Too much time to remember everything I’ve lost.

Those are the days I hurt the most.   Those are the days when all I can do is stare at his picture, play with his ring on my finger, watch the memorial video one more time, and listen to the sound of his voice from the wedding video… and think about everything he’s missing out on.  Think about everything that we won’t share.

And those are the days when the feelings overwhelm me to the point of physical pain.   The loss, the lack, missing him consume my every second.

I get that I have to go through the grief.

I get that I have to feel the feelings.

It would be a LOT more convenient if I could feel it in a more sedate, slow-and-steady pace.

A couple weekends ago, I went to Fright Nights at Playland.  That’s where the cost of admission gets you on most of the rides, and they’ve done it all up spooky and scary-like.    I went on the roller coaster.

I love the roller coaster.

But I spent most of the ride going “OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!”   And when we crested the top and started going down the other side, I got louder and faster… until it started back up again…

And that’s how my emotions feel… I’m ok for a while (going up the hill) and it overwhelms me (cresting the top) and then I vomit all my feelings all over the place (OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!) until I’ve let it out and then I’m ok again.

I’m ok today.  It’s been a pretty awesome day of hanging out with my boy.  He even got me to play Black Ops… (stupid game)  And we had a good day.  Tonight is craft night, and I get to be surrounded by friends.

And right now… we’re just riding the wave of good feelings…

But don’t worry… I’m sure the OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG will come back.   I’m just hoping that as it does – it will be less intense and less overwhelming and less scary.

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One thought on “It’s Like a Steam Engine

  1. Rose Chimera says:

    Yup, I say you described that emotional roller coaster of grief exactly right. I don’t have anything to tell you that you don’t already know….only way passed it is through it. You know that.

    But…I know that ride, been on it myself and its so fun. OMGOMGOMGOMG this is zero fun and feels like I’m out of control.

    You doing it all right, not that I’m an expert or anything. You’re still trying to live life, the BlackOps game (yeah it is stoopid!), craft night, hanging with friends. You will find that the roller coaster won’t run quite as often nor as long–as time goes by. Just try to hang on. If you can’t well maybe just FEEL it and ride it out?

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