Not what I want, but what I need…

What I wanted tonight, was to go steal some more snuggles from the man I’m dating.  He’s a fantastic snuggler, and I feel… at peace…? wanted…? sexxy…? In general, I just feel GOOD.

He’s tired, and I knew that so I was satisfied with a phone call and decided to channel that energy that I had into something more productive than sitting and being twitterpated.

I got the kitchen cleaned, sent the boys to bed and decided to check my email before I went to tuck them in.

I got this blog in my email.   (warning, if you are at all emotional it WILL make you cry – especially if you watch the video)

I read it.   I watched the video.  I cried.  I bawled.  I sobbed. I couldn’t control it and I don’t know that I should have even been trying to.

My poor boys.

I started crying about 8.45, and finally got it under control around 9.15.

It’s not totally under control – I can feel them just below the surface threatening to burst forth again.

There will probably be another outburst of tears.

A friend of mine said to me that my giddiness around the new guy in my life could be a distraction from the inner work I need to continue to do to heal. She pointed out to me that he deserves me working on my healing… and she’s right.

The truth is, if I had had the distraction and the giddiness from a visit with him – I wouldn’t have had the emotional outburst and I really really needed it tonight.  It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was exactly what what I needed.

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2 thoughts on “Not what I want, but what I need…

  1. Rose Chimera says:

    The first time I went out on a date with a guy after my husband died, I was giddy. I was nervous. I was even a little bit afraid. Of what I don’t know. But it was all there. In addition to guilt. I felt like I was cheating on Mike though he was dead. If a stranger happened to ask me if I was married, I’d reply, “yes…to a dead man.” It was sarcasm certainly but it was how I felt.

    I finally had an epiphany that made it clear why I was giddy, nervous, uncomfortable and all the negative feelings that go along with the dating thing….I felt like I was cheating! I didn’t like it. I didn’t date again for a long time.

    The reason was I realized I wasn’t emotionally ready, I wasn’t even emotionally available because I still had “work to do” on me.

    As you wrote, your friend told you this new friend deserves you working on you…your grief.

    Sometimes though it gets tiresome; working on something that hurts so much. Sometimes, even widows, deserve a little distraction! Its what strengthens us to tackle the next wave of grief that’s going to hit like a tsunami…without warning…without an opportunity to brace yourself against that crushing wave of emotions that are going to hit you out of the blue. We can’t stay in that storm continually….as your pic says…we need to learn to swim! Floating works once in a while too!

  2. sjb1994 says:

    I have enjoyed your blog and I tagged you in my most recent post. I hope you aren’t offended and that you choose to play along. I look forward to your response.

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