2 Sides of the Coin

If you’re “stuck” in overwhelming sadness, consider the following thought put forth by C. JoyBell C.: “There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human – in not HAVING TO BE just happy or just sad – in the nature of being able to be BOTH broken and whole, at the same time.” 

Everything is dual in nature, and this allows you to better understand the world and your circumstances. For example, it’s a lot easier to see and appreciate the light, once you’ve known the dark. Happy and sad are two sides of the same coin. Find something today that will allow you to turn YOUR coin over and smile … even if it is for just a fleeting second. Do this often enough and you can jumpstart happier feelings. You’ve been out of practice, so let your mind/body/soul “remember” what it feels like to smile, to have a little light shine into your life.

This was on Hope for Widows facebook status this morning.

I have been feeling …guilty?? …inconsistent?? …disrespectful to Mark & his memory???  about finding happiness.  About finding light.   About finding joy again.

I’ve been should’ing all over myself.

I should be mired in grief still.
I should be miserable all the time.
I should feel like I’m cheating on him.
I should be appalled that I could even be interested in someone else.

Should’ing is an awful feeling. Should’ing makes me feel like there is something WRONG with me.

The truth is that my children want me to be happy.  They want me to feel joy.  They DESERVE to have a happy Mom who is engaged with the world, active in life and available emotionally.

It makes them sad when they see me sad.  It upsets them.

I can tap into the deep, raw, painful grief at any point.  I know how to trigger that.  I do deliberately trigger that at times.   Sometimes it catches me by surprise, like it did yesterday afternoon.

Most of the time, I just have a sense of pervading sadness that is woven into the fabric of my life… much like a fabric with gold threads run through it.  You can see it, you know it’s there, there’s a sparkle of it no matter which way you look at it, but sometimes, if the light shines on it the right way, the reflection shows you that it’s REALLY there.

I can’t appreciate the light if I never know the dark.

For a long time, I worried about what people thought of me…. in this time of my life, the thoughts have been… “What will they think of me, dating so soon?”  “What if people think I’m disrespecting Mark’s memory?”

An amazing thing has been happening.

I.  DON’T. CARE.

I don’t care if other people don’t understand why, when I’m so lonely I can barely breathe, that I would seek out someone else’s company.

I don’t care if other people who can snuggle up to their spouses every night judge me for finding comfort in snuggles with someone else.

I don’t care not because I don’t care about them, but because I do care about me.    I care about giving my family the *best* possible me I can give.  I care about my kids having a Mom who is fully present and engaged in their lives.

And so every one else’s opinion of me (which really, since no one has said anything to me, is all in my head), doesn’t matter, because the ones who do matter – my children, my friends, my family – have told me that they are happy I’m happy.   They love me, and want me to be happy.

The man I am dating is wonderfully clear on where his boundaries lay.  I know me, I get caught up in excitement and sometimes logic is slow to catch up and keep me in check.  Dating someone who is clear and not as easily caught up is helpful in keeping me in check, because I respect HIM and his need to go slow.

(For the record – I’ve never dated anyone before.  Mark and I were friends for a year before we got together… then 2 weeks after we got together, we moved in together… 14 years, 2 kids and an amazing life together later…)

I keep finding little signs from Mark that I’m on the right path.   That’s all that matters.

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “2 Sides of the Coin

  1. As I ready this post, I just kept thinking yes, yes, yes.

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