… till it’s gone… cheesy song… but so freaking true.
Aside from losing a spouse, a life partner, a lover, a friend…. Losing someone who was such an intregal part of my life, meant losing things on a purely surface level.
I’ve lost the dinners that would miraculously appear when I got home or woke up late.
I’ve lost the way dishes would randomly get cleaned when I went to bed.
I’ve lost someone who would take my boys to their activities.
I’ve lost groceries magically appearing in my kitchen.
I’ve lost coffee being made before I get up.
I’ve lost laundry getting washed & dried for me to fold it.
I’ve lost the household that ran fairly smoothly without much input from me.
In addition to having to learn to live without him, I’ve had to relearn to LIVE without him. I’ve had to relearn how to make sure dinner is on the table every night. I’ve had to relearn how to make sure kids’ homework was done. I’ve had to relearn how to organize my day so there’s time to get groceries. I’ve had to relearn how to run my life and my household without any support.
Nobody stops to think about that. Nobody stops to think about how when in a partnership, you share a division of labour, a division of chores, and suddenly, in addition to suffering the dramatic loss of my husband, I also have lost my partner in life.
It’s an adjustment I don’t like. How stupid is that? I know there’s a lot of people out there who are single parents who do all this stuff on their own daily. I know there are many families out there who do this on their own every single day. I’m not the only one who’s trying to make adjustments.
But I’m not going to lie. I was a bit of a princess. I was rather spoiled. I had an amazing husband who was there, loving me, supporting me, being the *wind beneath my wings* and encouraging me to do what I needed to do to be happy.
Suddenly, I have to be entirely independent.
The princess in me is stomping her feet, shouting at the top of her voice, “I DON’T LIKE IT!!!” (If you picture a 3 year old, you’ve got the right image in your head)
Eventually, as the routine kicks in, it will get better, it will get easier. Eventually I will have my house running mostly smoothly without many more temper tantrums.
Occasionally there will still be nights like tonight when I show up at dinner time and there’s nothing to eat and nothing ready to cook.
But as I learn to live without him, as I relearn how to live my life without him… the temper tantrums are less and less, so more shocking when they happen.
But they are happening less. And when I show up at dinner, and discover there’s nothing… If I’m in an ok state of mind… I’ve learned to roll with it… and order pizza.