Is It Narcissistic?

I’m watching the bout tonight – wishing I could share the joy of derby with Mark.  He’s never going to be there to hug me after a bout.   He’s never going to share with me the triumph of finally passing the skills test.  He’s never going to be there to cheer me on and be my cheering section.

That makes me sad and angry and lonely.

As I was watching the bout tonight, realizing it’s a fundraiser for Movember, I started thinking….

What if, just what if…. one of our home bouts was the Mark Smith Memorial bout?

What if proceeds, or partial proceeds of that bout were donated to Squamish hospital in his name?

What if, for half time entertainment, my son played his guitar and sang his songs?

What if I could get the team behind this and as a memorial for him create something that brings Squamish together and does something awesome for the community?

But is it narcissistic to want this?   To have him remembered this way?

My grief is so real and raw these days… Its almost like it just happened, but I’m not as overwhelmed by it… it’s like the bandage has been ripped off and I’m bleeding again.

I’ll never know unless I ask, if the team would consider this.    But I wonder – is it narcissistic to want it?

I don’t know… and I”ll think on it a bit more before approaching the team.

I miss him 😦


2 thoughts on “Is It Narcissistic?

  1. I think it’s a beautiful gesture, in honor of his life, and the impact he had on you and others. It speaks to the subtleties in a partnership, and the ways in which love and loss trickle down into the simplest moments. Why shouldn’t that be honored and shared? To me, it isn’t any more narcissistic, than say, a wedding. And if you are doing it for you, as well, even better. You deserve it, too.

  2. I can’t see it as narcissism in any way. I think it would be great to have Mark memorialized in any way that seems appropriate.

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