5am Epiphanies…

Well, they didn’t all happen at 5am, but the last one did.  I was updating my profile on thewiddahood.com this morning, since I’m awake at 5am… LOL and my profile was fairly sparse since I initially signed up when I had no cognitive function right after Mark died.

The epiphanies I’ve been having are about George, the incredibly sexxy man I’m dating and what I want from him.

I’m going to try to put my thoughts in order… make them into a coherent post, because they’re all sort of jumbled up in a bunch of short bursts of “aha!!” moments.

I’m not going to lie.  When I first started dating George, the thought that he could be what Mark was to me crossed my mind for a moment or two… and then I let that go.  I don’t want George to be what Mark was to me – he’s not Mark.  I want Mark for that. I want Mark to be there for me on that level.  Asking anyone else to fill that role would not only be unfair to me, but incredibly unfair to them.

It’s a massive shift in how I see the world, learning to look at what I want/need and really be clear about it.

I had that beautiful, fairy tale love.   I’m not going to pretend and say it was perfect, it wasn’t.  That’s the reason that freaking song is stuck in my head.   But it was my forever.

As my head has cleared somewhat over the last month, I’ve come to realize that what I really want/need from George is exactly what he has to offer.    Dating, snuggling, companionship… and that’s about it.  I don’t know what the future will bring, but I don’t expect him to change what he has to offer.  If my needs or wants change – I’ll talk to him about it, but I have too much healing to go through to ask anyone else to give me more than that.

My friends give me the love and support I need to get through the bad days.    They’re awesome.    I love them dearly.  They give me the space I need to be sad, but stay close if I need a hug.  Did I mention they’re awesome?

This morning’s epiphany was that George is my happy place.  I enjoy going and spending time with him and being able to let go of the sadness because it doesn’t belong with him.  I don’t go to George when I’m sad, or if I do, I don’t talk about the sad, I focus on the happy.

He’s my happy place, my oasis, my calm in the chaos of my life.

And then the happy spills out into my house and I’m able to be more present and connected with my kids and their happy.

Did you know happy is contagious? :p

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