It’s December tomorrow. It also happens to be a weekend.
The first weekend in December is when I traditionally start pulling out Christmas stuff, decorating the house, making cookies and when I get into high gear making cards & gifts etc.
Part of my Christmas chaos is the annual newsletter. I include this with calendars I make of us from snapshots of the past year.
However… everyone knows what my last year has been like.
Everyone knows what’s been going on.
The *new* stuff is so tiny my letter would be… one paragraph?
“Happy Christmas everyone, this is the year that Mark got sick and died. There’s *no* pictures of him I’m really willing to share, and *no* family pictures of us. I hope your year didn’t suck as much as ours did. ”
I’m done with 2012. Seriously done with it. During one of Mark’s lucid moments I asked him what the last thing he remembered was. It was Christmas last year.
That means – he didn’t remember New Years.
He didn’t remember my birthday.
All the memories he had of this year were of being very sick, in the hospital, and finally the last day.
Hey, guess what? Those are most of my memories too. Most of my memories until he died were those ones. Then they became foggy with memories of AFTER. Memories of LOSS. Memories of planning a Celebration of Life, of having to send kids off to school without their Dad around, going on a vacation without him, Luke’s 11th birthday without him, our 13th anniversary, Thanksgiving and now we have Christmas.
I don’t like 2012. It has been the single most painful year of my life. My friend Adriana keeps promising me that the end of the Mayan calendar is about a change in consciousness. A shift in how the world is perceived rather than the end of the world.
I hope so. There are some good things happening, some amazing things happening in my life, but they are all counterbalanced by the pain of losing Mark. It’s hard to fully enjoy something when there’s a little voice in your head going… “someone’s missing”
I need the shift. I need the movement from pain and sorrow and sadness to joy.
But I still don’t know what to say in my newsletter… *sigh*