I’m Healing

I’m starting care about things in life.

When he died – I didn’t care about anything.  I didn’t care how I looked, I didn’t care how my house looked, I didn’t care if I ever went back to work, I didn’t care if I lived or died.

I didn’t care.

The only thing I cared about was my children.  Beyond that… I didn’t care.

But I’m starting to.   Despite changes in meds, and thoughts that scare the bejeezus out of me, I’m starting to care about things.

I care how I look.

I care about my house being clean.

I care about what’s for dinner.

I care about going back to work.

I care about living.  I want to live.

For almost a year, I haven’t cared about anything beyond making through each day, going and seeing Mark, grieving over his death.

And I’m starting to care again.

There’s nail polish on my fingers and toes.

I rarely leave the house without make up now.

My laundry is mostly caught up.

My bathrooms are clean – and I didn’t pay someone to clean them.

My kitchen is clean most of the time.

I’m ready, almost, to go back to work.

I care about what’s happening in the world… to a degree.  That’s taking longer to come back.

I’m paying attention and remembering what’s going on with my friends.   And asking them about it.  Because I care again, what’s going on with them.

I’m slowly healing.   A light went out of my life when Mark died…. but slowly, I’m coming out of the darkness.   There’s a part of my life that will forever be diminished, but there’s so much that brings joy and light into my life.   I’ll continue to heal as long as I remember that… because the darkness is simply an absence of light – and all I have to do is look at my kids to see light.   And George.  He brings a light to my life that I didn’t think would come back.

But the darkness is receding and the light is brightening.

I’m healing.   And I’m REALLY looking forward to 2013.

I Will Be Fierce

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4 thoughts on “I’m Healing

  1. Chris UK says:

    That’s another step in the new journey. Often just one step is all it takes to lead then to another. You can and don’t want to forget but you view it from a different place.

  2. sjb1994 says:

    I am SO glad to hear this. If tomorrow isn’t as bright of an outlook…that’s okay. I think you will find that you are taking more steps forward than back and that is awesome.

  3. Bless you, lady. You are so articulate and so strong.

  4. Jax says:

    2013 is going to be a good year! I know it!

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