I’m starting care about things in life.
When he died – I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care how I looked, I didn’t care how my house looked, I didn’t care if I ever went back to work, I didn’t care if I lived or died.
I didn’t care.
The only thing I cared about was my children. Beyond that… I didn’t care.
But I’m starting to. Despite changes in meds, and thoughts that scare the bejeezus out of me, I’m starting to care about things.
I care how I look.
I care about my house being clean.
I care about what’s for dinner.
I care about going back to work.
I care about living. I want to live.
For almost a year, I haven’t cared about anything beyond making through each day, going and seeing Mark, grieving over his death.
And I’m starting to care again.
There’s nail polish on my fingers and toes.
I rarely leave the house without make up now.
My laundry is mostly caught up.
My bathrooms are clean – and I didn’t pay someone to clean them.
My kitchen is clean most of the time.
I’m ready, almost, to go back to work.
I care about what’s happening in the world… to a degree. That’s taking longer to come back.
I’m paying attention and remembering what’s going on with my friends. And asking them about it. Because I care again, what’s going on with them.
I’m slowly healing. A light went out of my life when Mark died…. but slowly, I’m coming out of the darkness. There’s a part of my life that will forever be diminished, but there’s so much that brings joy and light into my life. I’ll continue to heal as long as I remember that… because the darkness is simply an absence of light – and all I have to do is look at my kids to see light. And George. He brings a light to my life that I didn’t think would come back.
But the darkness is receding and the light is brightening.
I’m healing. And I’m REALLY looking forward to 2013.