I Don’t Want to Do Christmas

Without him that is.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

That’s my problem here.   I’m watching my friends do their crafts, doing their Christmas gifts, Christmas cards and I don’t want to.

If I don’t get Christmas stuff done, will Christmas be delayed because of that?  Nope.  But there’s this resistance in me that says.. maybe…  Maybe if i don’t do anything… maybe it just won’t happen.

But the reality is that it will.    No matter what I do, the world keeps moving, life keeps going and I don’t have a choice in the matter.   For my kids, Christmas is a reality.  I can’t avoid it.  I don’t know that I want to, for their sakes.

But dammit… It’s Christmas 😦

I am going to force myself to be Christmas-y   I’m going to force myself to get into the spirit.  I’m going to fake it for everyone else around me.

I am going to make good memories – because I don’t want my kids to remember Christmas as Dad’s dead and Mom’s gone because she’s too busy being sad.

Christmas decorations come out tomorrow.    Christmas sewing gets done tomorrow.  Tomorrow marks the first day of celebrating a season that brings our family together.

Miss You Christmas

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3 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Do Christmas

  1. I wish with all me heart I could ease your pain but I can’t just like you can’t bring back the life that once resided in my womb for a short time. Like you I feel the grief but its a different kind of grief.The one that sneaks up on you when you watch families trim the tree or parents going to meet the teacher night or dance recidels. Knowing that gift from God would only happen once and you would remain forever childless my diseases would see to that. I too am dreading Christmas and have grieved that child for the last 23 years and like you and your kids I do my best to hide the hurt from my husband. But on the same hand I guess we have both been blessed I with my husband and you with your kids. And the two of us have been afforded the same grace by God that one day if we believe we wil be reunited I with my child and you with your husband, that is what the birth of a Savior and Christmas is all about. Although its hard I still cling to that hope this time of year. Take care and God Bless

    • schooner119 says:

      I don’t see god in quite the same way as you guys – and it is not as long as 23 years but long enough that some people think it no long counts.

      It still counts, it hurts and it sneaks up when you least expect it.

      If that is the price I have to pay for the memories – more vivid than ever – painful as it is – I still choose to remember.

      Bless you and your memories..

  2. schooner119 says:

    Jane you know all that and is still is going to be tougher than you can imagine. But you will not have to face another first Christmas without him.

    I hate Christmas, our whole family do we have done an early Christmas for many years because now that my Mum does not exist, and never did in his world, it was just too painful.

    Dad none of us give a shit that you once knew her as a teenager. The father I knew died when Mum did because you are just too weak to have feelings for your grandchildren or spend any time with them.

    What actually was “my parents” – you Mum 99.99% and you had the selflessness to let him believe he was equally involved.

    Where was he as I grew up – on business for months at a time – where is he now – propping up a fragile, fading, jaded ego that resents our very existence.

    Well we do exist and for the time you were with Mum you achieved more than you did before and so much more than you ever have since.

    I still love you Dad but what a terrible waste.

    Sorry for the post hijack!

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