It’s Been Almost A Year

It’s been 11 months since you went into the hospital.

11 months ago, our boys went to bed, and everything was ok.   When they woke up in the morning, Daddy was in the hospital.    And Daddy never came out.

Almost a year of being alone.

Almost a year of being without you at night.

Almost a year of worrying, wondering, and grieving.

Almost a year.

I want to write something meaningful and touching that will inspire other people but I don’t have it in me tonight.  Tonight is about raw emotion… how much I miss him… Despite dating “George” and getting time where I can forget the pain… the distraction doesn’t quite work right now… I walk out of George’s house and it’s like walking into bright sunlight… I’m bathed in pain and loss and grief.   There’s no escaping it…

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am.   I don’t feel it.  I feel small and broken and lost.  He was my source of strength… for so long.

Celine Dion wrote this song for the movie Up Close and Personal:

For all those times you stood by me 
For all the truth that you made me see 
For all the joy you brought to my life 
For all the wrong that you made right 
For every dream you made come true 
For all the love I found in you 
I’ll be forever thankful baby 
You’re the one who held me up 
Never let me fall 
You’re the one who saw me through through it all 

You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach 
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed 
I’m everything I am 
Because you loved me 

You gave me wings and made me fly 
You touched my hand I could touch the sky 
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me 
You said no star was out of reach 
You stood by me and I stood tall 
I had your love I had it all 
I’m grateful for each day you gave me 
Maybe I don’t know that much 
But I know this much is true 
I was blessed because I was loved by you 

You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach 
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed 
I’m everything I am 
Because you loved me 

You were always there for me 
The tender wind that carried me 
A light in the dark shining your love into my life 
You’ve been my inspiration 
Through the lies you were the truth 
My world is a better place because of you 

You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach 
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed 
I’m everything I am 
Because you loved me 

I’m everything I am 
Because you loved me

And it’s so true…  I am everything I am, because he loved me.  And without him… I’m lost…

Tonight… everything hurts.  It’s WRONG.  I am doing something I’ve done hundreds of times before, but he’s always been there with me… and it just makes me hurt that much more… 😦

Lost Without You

 

Nothing makes sense.   Everything I see or do comes back to him… how would he feel, would he like that, I want to share that with him… everything.

I miss him.   This week is starting to hit me hard.  10 days until Christmas and he’s not here.

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One thought on “It’s Been Almost A Year

  1. schooner119 says:

    “Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. I don’t feel it. I feel small and broken and lost.”

    You should believe them – because they are right – when someone is not there with you – you can never replace them – and it feels like shit – but that is just to remind you of the times you had together.

    You are not small or broken and you are finding your way. He would be proud of you, you know he would.

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