Tonight the Hospice Society put on a Love & Light memorial. It was for anyone who had lost someone who wanted to remember them/light a candle for them during the holidays.
I don’t know what I expected.
I was there, surrounded by friends and family, sitting with my boys and listening to the songs. It was a bit of a Christian service, but overall… it was lovely.
We lit a candle in Mark’s name. I also lit candles for my Dad, Mark’s mom, and my Grandma.
And as the service was going… I was crying.
I need to allow myself to grieve, to cry more often.
When the service concluded, we all went to Kathy’s house for cake… it was someone’s birthday and I wanted to connect a bit with other people.
I got into her driveway, sent the kids out, and broke down.
I need to allow myself to feel the sadness.
I need to allow myself to feel the sunburn… the more I try to hide from it, the more painful it is when it finally makes itself known.
Tomorrow, I will go out and buy a candle specifically for Mark. On Christmas day, I will light it, and let it burn all day in his memory. It will sit on his box of memories, and it will be the reminder of the love we shared, the love I still feel for him, and the love that surrounds our family, even as we are missing him.