So many other widows I’ve spoken to or read on forums talk about the knowledge that they will see their husband in Heaven as what keeps them going.
They quote scriptures, and talk about Jesus and how they’ll be together with their love in the afterlife.
I’m not religious.
I’m relatively agnostic.
I believe there is a God – but I’m not it. I believe in spirituality. I believe in a connection of spirits, the universe and everyone.
I sometimes see Mark. On Friday, as I was getting ready for my night away, I kept seeing him in the corner of my eye. I’d turn around to tell him something, or say something, and realize he wasn’t there.
If I were to die today, would I see him? Do the dead communicate with each other? Would we sit together on the couch, watching over our kids and trying to reassure them we’re still around?
Or would I be lost in darkness… a light turned off, nothing else existing?
Christmas hurts. He’s not here. His absence is overwhelming. I’m trying, for the kids’ sake, to keep it together. I almost have all the Christmas stuff done. I want, however, to drink until I can’t think any more. I want to go in my bedroom, lock the door and just… disappear.
Going to my happy place gives me some solace, some peace, but my grief is bleeding over into that in small ways… I try to keep that hidden, but my smiles are not quite as bright, not quite as wide, and I’m not quite as quick to laugh.
Right now, it’s only the laughter of my children that keep me from wanting to find out the answer to that question. Only them.
Christmas is my favourite time of year, but right now, it hurts the most.