Christmas Eve as a Widow

I’ve been a single parent before.  I’ve done Christmas on my own before.

I’m trying to remember if it ever felt this lonely before.

I don’t think so – I think I was always with other family, or with friends, or something.   I think that my Christmas’s were good because it was all I knew.   I’d been a single parent since I was 18.  I didn’t know anything different.

I spent 14 years with Mark, creating traditions, creating a life, creating love.

I spent 14 years with my life a certain way.

Suddenly… I’m doing it differently.  I’m doing everything on my own and at the end of the day, I am alone.

I’ve managed to maintain most of our traditions.  Last year we did Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve, and I really really liked it – so for this year, we did the same.  I think I’m going to keep that as our “new” tradition.  Christmas Eve dinner is wonderfully relaxing – and it makes Christmas Day that much more relaxing.

Today/tonight was lovely.  I started the morning with ZOMG I HAVE SO MUCH TO DOOOOOOO stress… and slowly the day came together.

As per Andrew’s request – we opened the “box” and set it up so that Mark could be a part of Christmas.   It’s incredibly bitter sweet.

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I don’t know how to describe the abject pain that the open box causes me.  It’s beyond words.

Dinner went off perfectly, and as per usual, someone else did the gravy :p

Kids pitched in, family was here, and we enjoyed a wonderful meal.

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Dessert was… interesting (ever have pumpkin pie with no sugar?  Weird.  Good but weird.  Thanks Kyle!)

We did our usual Christmas Eve gift – the boys ALWAYS get jammies.

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See the face on Andrew?  He doesn’t like to smile.  So Papa (grandpa) and all of us started to trying to make him laugh.  How to make a 12 year old boy laugh?

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Tell him to think about sex.  Or boobs.   And watch him having trouble trying not to smile… :p

I was going to send the boys to bed at 10 – but there’s a Jeff Dunham special on we haven’t seen.  Instead – we’re going to sit up and watch it before they head to bed.

I miss Mark so much.  It’s lonely without him.  I don’t want the boys to go to bed because I don’t want to be alone – but I won’t be able to finish Christmas if they don’t…

Merry Christmas to everyone who is missing someone tonight…

 

 

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One thought on “Christmas Eve as a Widow

  1. Chris UK says:

    Beautiful post

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