Christmas Eve as a Widow

I’ve been a single parent before.  I’ve done Christmas on my own before.

I’m trying to remember if it ever felt this lonely before.

I don’t think so – I think I was always with other family, or with friends, or something.   I think that my Christmas’s were good because it was all I knew.   I’d been a single parent since I was 18.  I didn’t know anything different.

I spent 14 years with Mark, creating traditions, creating a life, creating love.

I spent 14 years with my life a certain way.

Suddenly… I’m doing it differently.  I’m doing everything on my own and at the end of the day, I am alone.

I’ve managed to maintain most of our traditions.  Last year we did Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve, and I really really liked it – so for this year, we did the same.  I think I’m going to keep that as our “new” tradition.  Christmas Eve dinner is wonderfully relaxing – and it makes Christmas Day that much more relaxing.

Today/tonight was lovely.  I started the morning with ZOMG I HAVE SO MUCH TO DOOOOOOO stress… and slowly the day came together.

As per Andrew’s request – we opened the “box” and set it up so that Mark could be a part of Christmas.   It’s incredibly bitter sweet.


I don’t know how to describe the abject pain that the open box causes me.  It’s beyond words.

Dinner went off perfectly, and as per usual, someone else did the gravy :p

Kids pitched in, family was here, and we enjoyed a wonderful meal.



Dessert was… interesting (ever have pumpkin pie with no sugar?  Weird.  Good but weird.  Thanks Kyle!)

We did our usual Christmas Eve gift – the boys ALWAYS get jammies.


See the face on Andrew?  He doesn’t like to smile.  So Papa (grandpa) and all of us started to trying to make him laugh.  How to make a 12 year old boy laugh?


Tell him to think about sex.  Or boobs.   And watch him having trouble trying not to smile… :p

I was going to send the boys to bed at 10 – but there’s a Jeff Dunham special on we haven’t seen.  Instead – we’re going to sit up and watch it before they head to bed.

I miss Mark so much.  It’s lonely without him.  I don’t want the boys to go to bed because I don’t want to be alone – but I won’t be able to finish Christmas if they don’t…

Merry Christmas to everyone who is missing someone tonight…




One thought on “Christmas Eve as a Widow

  1. Chris UK says:

    Beautiful post

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