Merry Merry Christmas

There’s a part of me that’s dying inside.  Christmas is hard without Mark.

Over the last 6 months, I’ve gotten VERY good about disassociating.  I’ve gotten VERY good at not seeing things.   It makes it easy to keep going.   If I allow myself to truly see, to truly feel what’s going on… then I don’t know if I would be able to handle it.

It’s overwhelming.  It’s unbearable.  It’s beyond comprehension that tomorrow mark’s 6 months without him.

At the same time, there’s so much joy, so many awesome things to be experienced this season.

All my kids were in my house for Christmas Eve & Christmas morning.

We had family with us whom we haven’t seen for a while.

The boys got some REALLY cool stuff that has kept them active and occupied for the past while.

We’re going to play a game together in a little while.

Aside from a personal meltdown this morning, and a bit of crankiness because A: my period showed up in full force, and B: I needed time alone and wasn’t getting it, it’s been a pretty freaking good day.

I’m a little sad/lonely though.  Everyone is gone.  Kids are going to bed in a while – after the game – and I’ll be alone again.

So it’s a good/bad day.  I’m going to spend some time reflecting on my husband, our life together and doing some work to just let the memories wash over me… I’ve been having a hard time with crying… maybe because I have been surrounded by so many people and I *don’t* cry around others…

But I need to cry… not crying is coming out in other, less healthy ways…

So while it’s been a very sad, emotional, overwhelming Christmas… It’s also been fairly good… and wonderfully full of love and life.

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I have the best family… I love my kids so much.  I am blessed to have them.  I have to always remember that they make my life worth living.

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One thought on “Merry Merry Christmas

  1. i also distract myself. when i’m slowing down or doing yoga thoughts and memories creep in from around the edges and i’m torn with such sadness. its a tough road we have. i’m glad you have your family.

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