There’s a part of me that’s dying inside. Christmas is hard without Mark.
Over the last 6 months, I’ve gotten VERY good about disassociating. I’ve gotten VERY good at not seeing things. It makes it easy to keep going. If I allow myself to truly see, to truly feel what’s going on… then I don’t know if I would be able to handle it.
It’s overwhelming. It’s unbearable. It’s beyond comprehension that tomorrow mark’s 6 months without him.
At the same time, there’s so much joy, so many awesome things to be experienced this season.
All my kids were in my house for Christmas Eve & Christmas morning.
We had family with us whom we haven’t seen for a while.
The boys got some REALLY cool stuff that has kept them active and occupied for the past while.
We’re going to play a game together in a little while.
Aside from a personal meltdown this morning, and a bit of crankiness because A: my period showed up in full force, and B: I needed time alone and wasn’t getting it, it’s been a pretty freaking good day.
I’m a little sad/lonely though. Everyone is gone. Kids are going to bed in a while – after the game – and I’ll be alone again.
So it’s a good/bad day. I’m going to spend some time reflecting on my husband, our life together and doing some work to just let the memories wash over me… I’ve been having a hard time with crying… maybe because I have been surrounded by so many people and I *don’t* cry around others…
But I need to cry… not crying is coming out in other, less healthy ways…
So while it’s been a very sad, emotional, overwhelming Christmas… It’s also been fairly good… and wonderfully full of love and life.
I have the best family… I love my kids so much. I am blessed to have them. I have to always remember that they make my life worth living.