I’ve been trying to maintain calm, acceptance, and peace.
But I’m angry. I’m pissed.
My first Christmas, without my husband, and my mother decides to take off to another country. Not only that, on Christmas Day, she’s unreachable. Yes, she called. Right as we were opening gifts so I couldn’t chat.
But she left.
And my best friend, who I KNEW had plans – it didn’t bother me – was out of town on Christmas Eve and at her in-laws on Christmas Day. That was ok. I got it.
But she checked with my daughter to make sure that she would be here over Christmas for me…. made sure that I wouldn’t be left alone.
My daughter left. After dinner, she went home, despite having plans to stay here overnight on Christmas Eve/morning. She did, however, come back on Christmas morning.
My son left. He went an hour and a half away to pick up his new girlie (who’s very nice, btw) and bring her home to meet mama. They got in around 10, after everyone else had left, and after eating something, promptly went to his room. Unfortunately there’s no soundproofing between his room and mine (upstairs to downstairs) and I was unable to sleep. His music wasn’t *quite* louder than they were. Once they came up for air, I went to bed.
Christmas Day night… ?? my older kids went to my daughter’s house to drink.
And my Boxing Day plans were cancelled.
Yeah. I’m angry. I was left ALONE most of the Christmas holidays. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, the worst possible time for me to be alone, and I was left alone.
I get it, I’m not the centre of everyone’s world. I get that my friends have their family obligations, and that doesn’t bother me. I get that “George’s” daughter is staying longer and family comes first and that doesn’t bother me.
I just don’t get being left completely alone.
Kids could have drank here.
My mother could have chosen to leave on December 27.
My husband could have fucking tried harder.
I could be married instead of a widow.
But he fucking died on me.
And so I was alone. And I’m angry.