Stuck Again

I’m having problems with crying again.

I can’t seem to release the emotion, release the tears, just let it all go.

It’s stuck.  It’s a ball of pain clogging up my chest, my throat, my head.

I move and something sticks and sharp pains lance through my body, with no way to escape them.

I twist and turn, trying to avoid the heartache, trying to find some relief.

I avoid, I eat, I seek out distractions.

But I still hurt.

Missing him… wanting him…

This is surreal.  There’s a part of my brain, my emotions that says “he’s coming back.”

I look at pictures of him, and I can FEEL his presence.

But I can’t cry.

I cry alone, mostly.   But I’m rarely alone these days.

Children need me.   Friends love me.

I can’t cry.   I’m stuck.   Afraid to be caught in tears.   Afraid to make other people sad.

The pain has not lessened… it’s simply easier to shunt away.

It’s still there… poking, stabbing, stealing my breath away… and I have no release.

Tear Composition

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