The universe doesn’t give me what I want… unless it’s also what I need.
What I wanted, over these past two weeks, were lots of distractions.
What I wanted, over these past two weeks, was company, and lots of it.
What I wanted, over these past two weeks, was time with George to keep my mind off things.
What I got… was a lot of time alone.
Alone on special days alone.
Alone most nights alone.
My apologies to George – because I wanted to, and most likely would have, spent a lot of time with him – but he got sick.
I’m not saying it’s my fault. I didn’t give him the virus, bug or whatever he got. I didn’t even catch it from him. I should have. But he got sick – and he went into hibernation while he’s been recovering… and I haven’t seen him much. Lots of things conspired to keep us apart – and it was exactly what I needed – even if it wasn’t what I wanted.
So my apologies to George.
I so didn’t want to spend the time alone – learning to be alone is a lesson I do NOT want to learn…but unless I do – I’m going to end up putting off the grieving process – being alone is forcing me to feel. I can’t avoid it. Even when I overeat or drink – I’m still feeling…
I managed to cry tonight – not so stuck. There’s still some tears in there – I’m going to go spend some time in my room tonight and allow myself some time to cry, to grieve.
I hurt a lot tonight. I’m really freaking sad. I miss him…so very much 😦