What I Need

The universe doesn’t give me what I want… unless it’s also what I need.

What I wanted, over these past two weeks, were lots of distractions.

What I wanted, over these past two weeks, was company, and lots of it.

What I wanted, over these past two weeks, was time with George to keep my mind off things.

What I got… was a lot of time alone.

Seriously alone.

Alone on special days alone.

Alone most nights alone.

My apologies to George – because I wanted to, and most likely would have, spent a lot of time with him – but he got sick.

I’m not saying it’s my fault.   I didn’t give him the virus, bug or whatever he got.  I didn’t even catch it from him.   I should have.   But he got sick – and he went into hibernation while he’s been recovering… and I haven’t seen him much.    Lots of things conspired to keep us apart – and it was exactly what I needed – even if it wasn’t what I wanted.

So my apologies to George.

I so didn’t want to spend the time alone – learning to be alone is a lesson I do NOT want to learn…but unless I do – I’m going to end up putting off the grieving process – being alone is forcing me to feel. I can’t avoid it.  Even when I overeat or drink – I’m still feeling…

I managed to cry tonight – not so stuck.  There’s still some tears in there – I’m going to go spend some time in my room tonight and allow myself some time to cry, to grieve.

I hurt a lot tonight.  I’m really freaking sad.  I miss him…so very much 😦



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