I Don’t Want To

I don’t want to be this person.

This angry, out of control, frustrated, spinning, seriously sad, depressed, mad person.

I don’t want to be the person everyone looks at and says “Hey- there she goes – that woman’s husband died and then she lost her mind and now she’s mentally ill and kinda crazy… watch out for her”

I don’t want to be the person who can’t handle life.

I don’t want to be the person who’s brain tells her one thing and then another and then another.

I want to be me again.

I want to be strong.

I want to be confident.

I want to be in control.

I want to be self-assured.

I want to be loveable.

I want to feel right in my skin.

I want to be comfortable with me.

I want to be me again.

I lost me.   I died when he did.  I want me back.  I hate the feelings and thoughts that come out of my brain and permeate my consciousness and colour my perspective on life.

I want to feel cohesive again.

I want to feel safe again.

I want to know that my family is still my family and I didn’t lose them because I lost my husband.

I want me back.