Breakdown = Breakthrough?

I have this friend (yah, you know who you are) who likes to talk about a breakdown being necessary for a breakthrough to happen.

I always thought… yeah… sure… ok… but breakthroughs can happen without the breakdown.  You can build and grow by making choices.   There doesn’t HAVE to be a breakdown.

And then I fell in a hole.

A deep, dark hole where I couldn’t see anything but the pain of losing him.  I couldn’t see anything but the loss.  I couldn’t see the beauty or the blessings.  I could only see the blackness.

I broke down.  I locked myself in my bedroom in the dark with my pain and my tears and let myself shatter.

It’s an interesting experience…laying broken on my bed.   I had read this article before and thought it was interesting but didn’t really give it much thought beyond.. “hey.  cool.”

And then I found myself lying on my bed, broken.

… now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

I’m a control freak.  I like to plan my moves 3 or 4 a know what’s head, and anticipate all the moves.

It was pointed out to me that life isn’t a game to be won or lost.  The point isn’t the end of the game – its playing and enjoying and savouring the journey.   In order to do that, I have to let go.  Let myself break down and just *enjoy* the journey, however it may look or where ever it may take me.

I broke down.  I shattered.  I lay on my bed sobbing for a lost love, a lost future, a lost plan.  I broke and didn’t know if I was going to be able to put myself back together.

A funny thing happened though… I didn’t.  I’m still broken.  I’m still lost.  I’m still incredibly sad.    But I’m at peace.

I hit the lowest point I’ve ever hit during the past year this week.  It got low, then it got lower, then it got still lower…and I’m still here.  I didn’t die.  I’m still functioning.  And I’m still here.

I have so much to learn about who I am, who I want to be and where I’m going to go in my life.  I have wonderful years ahead getting to know my boys as the young men they will become.

I want to learn to live in the brokenness, in the confusion, in the uncertain.   I want to be at peace with insecurity.  I want to be comfortable in what life brings me, without expectation of how that looks.

I had a moment in blackness… and I’m still here in the light.

Peace

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2 thoughts on “Breakdown = Breakthrough?

  1. Jenny C says:

    Amazing, heartfelt, true, raw, beautiful. I am in awe of you and your ability to express this hell in such an attainable way.

  2. widowwisdom says:

    Proud of you! That’s progress! Even though its hard that’s a great thing to learn about yourself. You found strength you didn’t know you had.

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