I haven’t been to one. I’m supposed to attend one tonight.
I want to go… sorta. But at the same time I don’t. I don’t want to go somewhere I don’t know anyone and talk about my husband’s death.
I don’t want to be the youngest person there. I don’t want to be the only one still raising kids and have to explain what it’s like.
I don’t grieve publicly.
Ok… y’all can stop laughing, snickering and giggling now. I grieve through this BLOG, but I don’t grieve in person, publicly. I cry in private. I get sad in private.
I will write a heartfelt, raw, emotional blog, bawl my face off in my bedroom and then go out and smile at my kids and friends.
You, dear reader, do not see me. You read, you get insight into my mind, but you don’t see me. You can’t touch me. You can’t look at me with pity. I won’t hear from you “I’m so sorry”
The “I’m so sorry’s” in person are way worse than the online ones. The empathy and sympathy I get online helps me to realize I’m not alone, but allows me to be private and insulated.
I don’t do well in groups – but I love talking one on one. I love to connect with one person, maybe two, in person and have a coffee and chatter. With two other people, I have a tendency to stay quiet and let them talk. Any more than 2 people and I become a wall flower… I stop talking. I clam up unless someone directly asks me a question.
So group therapy? My anxiety is going through. the. roof.
So much so that I’m contemplating taking a pill. So much so that I want to hide in my bedroom. So much so that I can’t think of much but how to AVOID going there tonight.
Another widow suggested I go – that I can always quit if I don’t like it. But I won’t be able to LEAVE if I’m uncomfortable. That’s the flipside of my anxieties. If I go somewhere or agree to do something then SHOW UP… I have to follow through – I can’t leave.
Stupid freaking anxieties.
Stupid freaking husband dying on me so that I’m forced to confront shit like this.
I’m probably not going to go… the idea of going makes me want to throw up. It might do me some good – but not if I’m vomiting all over the place. I am doing rather well with one on one counselling I’m getting with my psychologist…
I hope it does some good for the people who go there… I have connected with other people…and I think I’ll be ok without it.