Grief Support Group

I haven’t been to one.  I’m supposed to attend one tonight.

I want to go… sorta.  But at the same time I don’t.   I don’t want to go somewhere I don’t know anyone and talk about my husband’s death.

I don’t want to be the youngest person there.  I don’t want to be the only one still raising kids and have to explain what it’s like.

I don’t grieve publicly.

Ok… y’all can stop laughing, snickering and giggling now.  I grieve through this BLOG, but I don’t grieve in person, publicly.   I cry in private.  I get sad in private.

I will write a heartfelt, raw, emotional blog, bawl my face off in my bedroom and then go out and smile at my kids and friends.

You, dear reader, do not see me.   You read, you get insight into my mind, but you don’t see me.  You can’t touch me.  You can’t look at me with pity.  I won’t hear from you “I’m so sorry”

The “I’m so sorry’s” in person are way worse than the online ones.  The empathy and sympathy I get online helps me to realize I’m not alone, but allows me to be private and insulated.

I don’t do well in groups – but I love talking one on one.  I love to connect with one person, maybe two, in person and have a coffee and chatter.  With two other people, I have a tendency to stay quiet and let them talk.  Any more than 2 people and I become a wall flower… I stop talking.  I clam up unless someone directly asks me a question.

So group therapy?   My anxiety is going through. the. roof.

So much so that I’m contemplating taking a pill.  So much so that I want to hide in my bedroom.  So much so that I can’t think of much but how to AVOID going there tonight.

Another widow suggested I go – that I can always quit if I don’t like it.   But I won’t be able to LEAVE if I’m uncomfortable.  That’s the flipside of my anxieties.  If I go somewhere or agree to do something then SHOW UP… I have to follow through – I can’t leave.

Stupid freaking anxieties.

Stupid freaking husband dying on me so that I’m forced to confront shit like this.

Dammit.

I’m probably not going to go… the idea of going makes me want to throw up.  It might do me some good – but not if I’m vomiting all over the place.   I am doing rather well with one on one counselling I’m getting with my psychologist…

I hope it does some good for the people who go there… I have connected with other people…and I think I’ll be ok without it.

Grief

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Grief Support Group

  1. wow. i can relate. i too don’t grieve in public. i wail at home not with others. i did go to a group 2 months after i lost barb. i had no idea what to expect. i choked on the words My Wife Died In September each week i said them. but i felt very comfortable being in a room where i felt that everyone could truly feel and respect my loss and not expect anything of me. the best for me was hearing others describe things that i was also experiencing. i felt less alone.
    some people where coming after a year or more of grieving. very different timetables we are…
    the group was for just 5 weeks and wasn’t enough. i’m signing up for another run.
    i have been seeing a psychologist for a long time and he has been invaluable to my process. i won’t tell you at all what to do but i respect your sense of self. if you can’t go don’t go. you know what you can take and what will be helpful. be kind to yourself and very patient.

  2. sunnyjane says:

    I went, and left early. I may go back next week. It was what I expected it to be, and while I can understand the need for support – I’m not in that place… I get a lot of support from my blog, the widow websites I frequent and my friends.

  3. I absolutely think you can leave if you feel uncomfortable. Just say, excuse me and go. You can do whatever you need to do. Maybe you can even tell the group leader ahead of time that you might not stay th ewhol etime, and having that out might curb your anxiety.

  4. Jax says:

    It sucks, putting it out there. I, too, use my blog as an outlet. I was just thinking this morning that anyone who reads it must think I’m a mess. I probably AM a mess, but no one IRL would know it – not my family, my colleagues, most of my friends, or my students. I get up, go about my business, and cry (and vent-write) in private.

    If groups aren’t your thing, don’t go. If venting on your blog and talking on the online support groups work for you, keep it up.

  5. Bonni Clark says:

    I could have written that blog post! It was SO me from the anxieties, the ways to “get out of something I committed to doing/going to”, the pill to calm the fears, and mostly the comment, “Stupid freaking husband dying on me so that I’m forced to confront shit like this.”

    Wow, I am not alone in how I think. I hate being a widow. I am two weeks into this, and I hate everything – every damn thing! If it was not for my wonderful dog, I’d quit life. I was not one of those people who was supposed to be alone!

    thank you for writing your blog… think I am going to follow your journey. I hope it gets better and easier for you.

    • sunnyjane says:

      Bonni – I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a club that no one ever wants to join… and brings people together in a way that no one else understands.

      (((HUGS)))

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s