Who Are You?

Once upon a time, a little girl lived in a chaotic, stressful, uncertain home.  Her mother was alcoholic (although the little girl didn’t know it at the time) and her father was relatively absent (for reasons unknown).

The little girl had dreams… of being a vetrinarian, a model, an actress, a lawyer.   Dreams of seeing the world.   Dreams of a happier life.   Mostly, the little girl dreamed of a life where love came without conditions, where it was ok to BE, and of escape.

The little girl dreamed of the white picket fence around the house where she was a wife and mom to 2.5 kids and the world was … perfect.

As the little girl grew, she discovered she had control over some things in her life, and with those things came power, and with that power came attention.    That attention drew her to the possibility of escape.

Escape came for the little girl, but the white picket fence did not materialize.   Her escape routes were fraught with more chaos, more uncertainty and more conditions on the love that was offered.

One day, the white knight showed up.    He offered her the world.  He offered her the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the opportunity to be rescued and have that “perfect” life she had dreamed about.   She became a wife and a mom in the ways she had wanted as a little girl.

The white knight, however, wasn’t perfect.  He had flaws.   He DID give her unconditional love, he DID give her the kids, he DID give her stability and security… mostly… but he had his flaws.   And so they had an imperfectly perfect life together.

The girl continued to live her life as she had dreamed.   She and her knight made plans, made adjustments for his flaws (not to say that she had none, just that his required major life adjustments) and planned a future that involved touring around on motorcycles when the kids had grown up and moved away.

The girl explored areas of life within the confines of those roles.  The girl would reach out to the world and try to fit in with different communities, always mindful of being the “knight’s wife” or the “children’s Mom”  but never just as “The Girl”

And so the girl, happy in her life, defined herself through those roles.   She didn’t stop to think about who she was outside of those roles.

One tragic day, the knight was no longer there.   He succumbed to the worst of his flaws, and was suddenly gone from her life.

The girl lost half of her identity.   She was no longer the “knight’s wife,” she was just the children’s Mom…  and the children were growing up.   They were moving towards independence and autonomy and figuring out who they were in the world.   The didn’t need her quite so much.    Before, this was okay as the knight was still there and the girl was still planning her future with him.   But now, with the knight gone, the girl was left with an uncertain future.

Leaving the girl to ask… “Who are you?” whenever she looked in the mirror.   She was not the knight’s wife anymore, and wasn’t sure if she wanted to be ANYONE’s wife ever again.

And so the girl spent her time wondering… who are you?   And as time moved forward, as it does, she found herself looking at the world differently.   Not a wife, not looking to be a wife, wondering what communities she fit into, letting go of some of those that no longer worked for her, she was in flux.  She was in a time of uncertainty and insecurity as she tried on different worlds that had fit her in the past, but seemed to have grown out of.

Who are you?  What excites you?   These are the questions that face the girl now.   Not the quest to be a wife, not the desire to be a mom, but who are you and what do you want to do?

For the first time, the girl is taking the time to look for the answers to these questions…

Comfort-Zone

 

 

But she wishes the knight was here with her…  The magic they shared was a different kind of magic…

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One thought on “Who Are You?

  1. Jenny C says:

    ((hugs)) Im so glad I know you. I continue to learn more about how much we have in common. Also had an alcoholic mom, I also dreamt of becoming a veterinarian, and an artist, doctor, and mommy (my mom wanted me to be a lawyer lol). I’m so sorry your knight isn’t here to share the journey!

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