I discovered today that grief affects different people different ways.
It’s brutal for some, and it’s a quick and easy process for others.
I remember wondering, back in the late 90’s how the widow of a prominent lawyer who was murdered could marry someone so quickly after his death.
I still wonder that, only for different reasons.
I don’t know what their marriage was like. Perhaps they didn’t have the same connection Mark and I did. Perhaps they were on the verge of divorce. Perhaps they weren’t and they did have a connection as deep and strong as Mark and I and she just couldn’t face life without a partner. Perhaps she found that connection again in her new husband.
The end result is… I DON’T KNOW.
I don’t know what led her to marry someone so quickly after her husband’s death. And I don’t care.
What I do know is that despite my brief foray into dating – I’m not ready. I don’t want anyone BUT my husband. I want what I had with him – and no one will replace him or be him. No one will know me the way he did.
No one will know me the way he did.
No one will laugh the same way.
No one will react the same way to my kisses.
No one will know just how to push my buttons – and I won’t know how to push their buttons.
No one will have the history of me from the last 15 years. No one will know who I am and why I am… not the way he did.
I’m just not ready to start that process again yet. I’m not ready to take the time to get to know someone, their idiosyncracies, their quirks.
And I don’t want to have to wait for someone to get to know mine.
The reality is – some people are ready for love and romance and dating again fairly quickly. Despite having dated already – I’m not. I look at the people I could date, and wonder… WTF? They all seem nice… but none of them are Mark. Not one single one of them. They’re all themselves and that’s not fair to them that I want them to be Mark. Or a close facsimile. Nope – I want the real thing.
Grief affects different people different ways. For me, the first 6 months I was looking for the love and companionship.
Now – while I still want the companionship – I don’t want the expectations that come from dating.
I want to figure out how to be on my own… and when I’m ok with my own company – I’ll be ready to date then.
I miss Mark and the life we had promised each other.