I was asked to put into words how I was feeling tonight. I was asked to blog what was going on inside me and what I was feeling because other people seem to think I articulate it well.
Rage, anger… none of it is easily articulated.
Grief supposedly has 5-7 stages:
1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection & Loneliness
5. Acceptance & Hope
Also – in there can be The Upward Turn & Reconstruction & Working through.
Grief does not follow a nice, neat path. Grief does not go up several steps, only to reach the top and hit “healed”
Grief is a circle, a meandering path that crosses over paths you’ve crossed already.
Grief will start at one place, jump to another, bounce around and hang out at one spot for a while.
Sometimes grief will just lay across every single emotion and let you experience it all at once.
Sometimes… grief will zero in on one emotion and just engulf you.
Tonight… grief pulled me into anger.
Anger that he died.
Anger that he left.
Anger that I have to be a single parent.
Anger that I’m hurting so much.
Anger that my life is the way it is.
Anger, all encompassing, pure, unadulterated anger…
Rage that encompassed me, swirling around, pulling me under, spitting me out only to snatch me back again.
Anger and rage that this is what my life has become.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he, who was an amazing person, died. It’s not fair that we had an amazing connection, an amazing love, and now I’m left alone…
It’s not fair.
We were married “Until Death Do Us Part” and death parted us.
That was always going to be the end of it. One of us would die…and the other left alone.
But I didn’t expect to have 30-50 years ahead of me without him. I expected, I truly expected he’d give me that 50th anniversary that he promised me.
But he died… and I’m alone… and that makes me ANGRY.
I need to find a way to focus on the blessings in my life. I do this, frequently and I know that this is a temporary state of emotion… but I really need to focus on those things that are important:
My family, my job, my hobbies…
I have been distracted and looking for my happy from external sources. The problem with that is that when my external sources are not available… I have no tools to find the happy within.
I need to find the happy within so that when the anger comes I can find the happy again.