It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

I know grief isn’t static.  I know it doesn’t follow a set of steps, a series of “to do’s” and then *poof* you’re better.

I know that.

I know that the emotional state I’m in may not be permanent.  I know this because I have gone through ups and downs before.   It is a roller coaster, a wave, a constant state of flux…

But it’s kind of a funny story.

I had been dating George for 3 months or so.   We’re really not compatible on any permanent level – he wants things I won’t be able to do for 5 years or so, but I enjoy his company and he’s a great snuggler.

I found him on a dating website.   I was upset, stressed, stomach churning, until I realized.. I found him on a dating website because I WAS ON A DATING WEBSITE. 

I had, for a few weeks, been having anxiety and stress and panick issues.  It was a problem.  It was interfering with my life.    And then when I found George on the website, they intensified.  Magnified.  Over the top painful.

I just thought because of the anniversaries that were happening, that my grief was taking over.    I would spend time crying and missing my husband and needing … just needing…

And then, a short conversation that led to George and I agreeing to going back to being friends… no more dating…

Suddenly… relief.

He had said from the very beginning (and I agreed with him) that he was not the man for me.   In the future, I will want very different things than he does – but I thought that it would be ok to date for a while, and just enjoy company and time together.

So we’re not dating any more.

And I. feel.  awesome.

Giddy.

Bouncy.

Fantastic.

And the funny part of the story?   Suddenly I’m confident, chatty, flirty, and I feel GOOD about myself.

I had known that it wasn’t going to last between George and I – but he was exactly what I needed at the time – and I learned a LOT about myself while I was with him.    He was part of the healing process that definitely needed to happen.

And I hope for him that he finds someone who makes his life light up like Mark did for me.   I wish for him love and happiness beyond reason…. a love like Mark and I shared… because he’s an awesome person who deserves it.   He’s going to make the right woman VERY happy one day.

In the meantime – I’m enjoying being single.  I miss Mark with every fibre of my being… but being single can be fun.   There’s a freedom that I have that I’ve never had before… and I’m going to enjoy ever. single. minute.

Last night, at the pub, I was flirting with several people… and went home with none.   By the end of the night I needed to be home alone – between the noise, the crowd and the length of time I was out – I needed time to recharge.   But I had fun.   Just…. fun 🙂  It’s been a long time since I’ve just had fun on my own… 🙂

happy-place

 

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