It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

I know grief isn’t static.  I know it doesn’t follow a set of steps, a series of “to do’s” and then *poof* you’re better.

I know that.

I know that the emotional state I’m in may not be permanent.  I know this because I have gone through ups and downs before.   It is a roller coaster, a wave, a constant state of flux…

But it’s kind of a funny story.

I had been dating George for 3 months or so.   We’re really not compatible on any permanent level – he wants things I won’t be able to do for 5 years or so, but I enjoy his company and he’s a great snuggler.

I found him on a dating website.   I was upset, stressed, stomach churning, until I realized.. I found him on a dating website because I WAS ON A DATING WEBSITE. 

I had, for a few weeks, been having anxiety and stress and panick issues.  It was a problem.  It was interfering with my life.    And then when I found George on the website, they intensified.  Magnified.  Over the top painful.

I just thought because of the anniversaries that were happening, that my grief was taking over.    I would spend time crying and missing my husband and needing … just needing…

And then, a short conversation that led to George and I agreeing to going back to being friends… no more dating…

Suddenly… relief.

He had said from the very beginning (and I agreed with him) that he was not the man for me.   In the future, I will want very different things than he does – but I thought that it would be ok to date for a while, and just enjoy company and time together.

So we’re not dating any more.

And I. feel.  awesome.




And the funny part of the story?   Suddenly I’m confident, chatty, flirty, and I feel GOOD about myself.

I had known that it wasn’t going to last between George and I – but he was exactly what I needed at the time – and I learned a LOT about myself while I was with him.    He was part of the healing process that definitely needed to happen.

And I hope for him that he finds someone who makes his life light up like Mark did for me.   I wish for him love and happiness beyond reason…. a love like Mark and I shared… because he’s an awesome person who deserves it.   He’s going to make the right woman VERY happy one day.

In the meantime – I’m enjoying being single.  I miss Mark with every fibre of my being… but being single can be fun.   There’s a freedom that I have that I’ve never had before… and I’m going to enjoy ever. single. minute.

Last night, at the pub, I was flirting with several people… and went home with none.   By the end of the night I needed to be home alone – between the noise, the crowd and the length of time I was out – I needed time to recharge.   But I had fun.   Just…. fun 🙂  It’s been a long time since I’ve just had fun on my own… 🙂




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