I know grief isn’t static. I know it doesn’t follow a set of steps, a series of “to do’s” and then *poof* you’re better.
I know that.
I know that the emotional state I’m in may not be permanent. I know this because I have gone through ups and downs before. It is a roller coaster, a wave, a constant state of flux…
But it’s kind of a funny story.
I had been dating George for 3 months or so. We’re really not compatible on any permanent level – he wants things I won’t be able to do for 5 years or so, but I enjoy his company and he’s a great snuggler.
I found him on a dating website. I was upset, stressed, stomach churning, until I realized.. I found him on a dating website because I WAS ON A DATING WEBSITE.
I had, for a few weeks, been having anxiety and stress and panick issues. It was a problem. It was interfering with my life. And then when I found George on the website, they intensified. Magnified. Over the top painful.
I just thought because of the anniversaries that were happening, that my grief was taking over. I would spend time crying and missing my husband and needing … just needing…
And then, a short conversation that led to George and I agreeing to going back to being friends… no more dating…
He had said from the very beginning (and I agreed with him) that he was not the man for me. In the future, I will want very different things than he does – but I thought that it would be ok to date for a while, and just enjoy company and time together.
So we’re not dating any more.
And I. feel. awesome.
And the funny part of the story? Suddenly I’m confident, chatty, flirty, and I feel GOOD about myself.
I had known that it wasn’t going to last between George and I – but he was exactly what I needed at the time – and I learned a LOT about myself while I was with him. He was part of the healing process that definitely needed to happen.
And I hope for him that he finds someone who makes his life light up like Mark did for me. I wish for him love and happiness beyond reason…. a love like Mark and I shared… because he’s an awesome person who deserves it. He’s going to make the right woman VERY happy one day.
In the meantime – I’m enjoying being single. I miss Mark with every fibre of my being… but being single can be fun. There’s a freedom that I have that I’ve never had before… and I’m going to enjoy ever. single. minute.
Last night, at the pub, I was flirting with several people… and went home with none. By the end of the night I needed to be home alone – between the noise, the crowd and the length of time I was out – I needed time to recharge. But I had fun. Just…. fun 🙂 It’s been a long time since I’ve just had fun on my own… 🙂