What Goes Up…

… must come down…

After almost a week of a good mood, of feeling ok, of being happy… my mood is starting to sink again… *sigh*

It started with taxes.  I finished our taxes.   This is the last time I’ll ever do “our” taxes – next year they’ll be “my” taxes… *sigh*

And then I painted a room… I don’t think I’ll ever paint a room without being reminded of him.  It’s stupid – but there ya have it.  Painting reminds me of him.

When I was 5 months pregnant with Andrew – I was painting the bathroom on New Years – his mother scolded him about how he was “letting” me paint.

As if he could stop me.  :p

Tonight… I told someone about his death.

It’s like I can FEEL the grief starting… the pain and the loss takes over my body and I have a physical reaction to it all.

My breathing gets shallow.

My throat closes up.

My eyes start to burn.

My nerves are tingling on fire.

I knew it couldn’t last… but I was hoping.   I’m hoping the grief doesn’t last long… I’m hoping that this is just an overnight thing – I don’t like the lasting grief…

I don’t like any of it.  I don’t like the hopeless, helpless feeling of “is this my life??”

Every once in a while I think I’m ready for something more – ready to move on a bit… and then I realize… I miss him so much. I miss the little things… I miss the easy familiarity.  I miss the inside jokes, the routines, the day to day parts that made us…. us.

I miss him.

Pictures 073


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