… must come down…
After almost a week of a good mood, of feeling ok, of being happy… my mood is starting to sink again… *sigh*
It started with taxes. I finished our taxes. This is the last time I’ll ever do “our” taxes – next year they’ll be “my” taxes… *sigh*
And then I painted a room… I don’t think I’ll ever paint a room without being reminded of him. It’s stupid – but there ya have it. Painting reminds me of him.
When I was 5 months pregnant with Andrew – I was painting the bathroom on New Years – his mother scolded him about how he was “letting” me paint.
As if he could stop me. :p
Tonight… I told someone about his death.
It’s like I can FEEL the grief starting… the pain and the loss takes over my body and I have a physical reaction to it all.
My breathing gets shallow.
My throat closes up.
My eyes start to burn.
My nerves are tingling on fire.
I knew it couldn’t last… but I was hoping. I’m hoping the grief doesn’t last long… I’m hoping that this is just an overnight thing – I don’t like the lasting grief…
I don’t like any of it. I don’t like the hopeless, helpless feeling of “is this my life??”
Every once in a while I think I’m ready for something more – ready to move on a bit… and then I realize… I miss him so much. I miss the little things… I miss the easy familiarity. I miss the inside jokes, the routines, the day to day parts that made us…. us.
I miss him.